If you know me

If you know me, you know that I'm an honest person and I genuinely care about people. I get frustrated with labels and social clumping because I believe everyone is unique in their own way. I appreciate people as individuals and would like to be viewed as one as well.

If you know me, you know that I have a heart for people and it breaks for their pain. I can't sit around knowing others are hurting; I have to do everything I possible can to alleviate it, even if it means sharing that pain with them.

If you know me, you know that small things mean the world to me. The smallest gesture, the slightest smile, truly warms my heart.

If you know me, you know I dance when I get excited.

If you know me, you know I have an odd sense of humor and can be really weird sometimes.

If you know me, you know I love to laugh and I appreciate so much the people who can laugh with me.

If you know me, you know that I love my doggies

If you know me, you know that I love adventure, doing spontaneous things in the middle of the night are what I live for.

If you know me, you know I fight for what I believe in

If you know me, you know that I'm passionate about music. Music is the only thing that makes sense to me. Music isn't just a sound, its a feeling, its an emotion, its a release, its an expression. Its my way of telling my story without words.

If you know me, you know that I'm fully in love with God.

If you know me, you know I'm still trying to get to know me.

If you don't know me, you should really get to know me.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Small things, with great love

Mother Teresa once said, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." This quote epitomizes my two months spent in Malawi this summer. I've learned so much about humbleness, about life, pain, hurt, hunger, joy, hope, but mostly, about love. I saw God in the smiling eyes of children, in the little hands I held, in the tears of their pain, in the sound of their laughter, in the passion of their song, and in their footprints on dirt paths. Sometimes I struggled with inadequacy, why did God want me here? It didn't feel as if I was doing much. But that's when I'm reminded of this quote. What we see as nothing, can be everything to these kids. What we see as small, can make a life of an impact to them. So why don't we put all the love we can possibly pour out, into these little things? Into singing, dancing, playing, hugging, and hand holding.

I remember this one little girl named Tiyajane. Now, I was surprisingly good at remembering all their little Malawian names, but for the life of me, I could never get her's down. Every time I saw her, she would call my name and come hug me or hold my hand, but I could never call her name back. I would always ask her, and she would always tell me, Tiyajane. Sometimes I even asked the other interns to ask her for her name so I wouldn't have to. But one day, while I was doing administrative sponsorship work, I came across her name, Tiyajane. I was so excited to know that she had a sponsor, but, I was even more excited that I finally got her name!

That afternoon, I went into the village, eager to say her name to her. As I walked up the dirt path, I saw her from a distance, and instead of her calling me first, for the very first time, I yelled out, TIYAJANE! When she heard her name, her face immediately lit up, her smile exposed two missing front teeth. She ran to me and hugged me. At that moment, I knew I had made her day. That's when it dawned on me how appreciative these kids are. They can find so much joy in you just remembering their name, in you just thinking about them. But, I wanted to give her so much more. That's when God called me to sponsor a child.

Looking for a sponsor child was not easy. God really put on my heart, the kids in the neighborhood I visited. However, most of them were either sponsored, or were unregistered. Coming back to the states, I checked the COTN site daily, waiting and praying for not just a familiar face, but the right face to pop up. Finally, Modesta, one of the girls in the family I visited every week showed up. I recently realized that God is using my sponsoring Modesta not only to reach out to her, but also to the 15-20 kids in her neighborhood, those exact kids I wanted to sponsor, but was unable to. Through this connection, I am able to send letters and pictures to her as well as all the other kids I have come to love so much. I'm so thankful that I can continue to pour my heart out into these kids. God knew what I needed.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Anyway by Mother Teresa

ANYWAY

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but will attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

God is here

Sometimes, I would feel the deepest pains in my heart, the type that is buried so deep in your soul, and you just can't figure it out. Sometimes this pain comes out in tears, sometimes in groans, or sometimes it doesn't come out. And it sucks, when you know you're hurting inside, but you just don't know how to express it. When I feel stuck, bottled up, the only thing I want to do is play my cello. When I play, its as if all my worries and pain are being played out. It's my release. It's as if I'm playing the strings of my heart. I'm so thankful I have music in my life.

"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" Romans 8:26

An amazing thing happened a couple weeks after I moved down to San Diego. I was feeling this inexpressible sorrow and I knew I had to get it out. I wanted to play this song that was just so mournful, that song that sounded as if the cello was weeping. But, for the life of me, I couldn't remember how it went or what it sounded like. I searched online, youtube, everything, but had no luck. So, I said a little prayer, "God, PLEASE, just help me remember, I NEED to remember". As soon as I said that, I felt him tell me to pick up my cello and play. At first, I thought it was dumb, it didn't make sense, it wasn't like I was going to remember. But then I place hand on the finger board, put my finger on the note I thought it started on, but then my hand shifted down to another note, my fingers started moving, my bow swept across the strings, and a sound came out. After a couple measures of playing, I recognized the song. It was the song I had prayed for. At that moment, I completely broke down. I just felt this overwhelming sense of awe. God's awesome love enveloped me as I sat there crying.

I was finally able to cry, to let go of all those emotions. And as I was crying, I was reminded of my last day in Malawi (Refer to Post: "Back Home"). That day when I was caught in the middle of the path. I had a choice to keep on walking, or to run back and pick up little Lenard in my arms. I remember running back. I remember crying with him. I remember the pain he felt. I felt that pain, and I wanted so badly to take it away, to pick him up when he's being teased, unloved, hurt. I wanted to protect him from the world.

This time however, it was God running to me, picking me up, feeling my pain, crying with me, loving me, protecting me from this world. Til this day, I could hear God's words "Do you not think I'm hurting as well? I'm hurting for you, I'm hurting with you. I hear your pain, I'm here, in your pain. I'm crying with you. I feel it just as much, even more. I love you. I will never hurt you. I LOVE you. I always will." And as soon as God told me, "Me too, I feel it too", it took away that heavy pain. For him to hurt with me, really took the hurt away.

So many moments have been filled with inexpressible groans, but God hears them. Cry out from the depths of your soul. Speak out in the anguish of your spirit, complain in the bitterness of your soul. Do not keep silent.(Job 7:11) God is here.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela