God is here

Sometimes, I would feel the deepest pains in my heart, the type that is buried so deep in your soul, and you just can't figure it out. Sometimes this pain comes out in tears, sometimes in groans, or sometimes it doesn't come out. And it sucks, when you know you're hurting inside, but you just don't know how to express it. When I feel stuck, bottled up, the only thing I want to do is play my cello. When I play, its as if all my worries and pain are being played out. It's my release. It's as if I'm playing the strings of my heart. I'm so thankful I have music in my life.

"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" Romans 8:26

An amazing thing happened a couple weeks after I moved down to San Diego. I was feeling this inexpressible sorrow and I knew I had to get it out. I wanted to play this song that was just so mournful, that song that sounded as if the cello was weeping. But, for the life of me, I couldn't remember how it went or what it sounded like. I searched online, youtube, everything, but had no luck. So, I said a little prayer, "God, PLEASE, just help me remember, I NEED to remember". As soon as I said that, I felt him tell me to pick up my cello and play. At first, I thought it was dumb, it didn't make sense, it wasn't like I was going to remember. But then I place hand on the finger board, put my finger on the note I thought it started on, but then my hand shifted down to another note, my fingers started moving, my bow swept across the strings, and a sound came out. After a couple measures of playing, I recognized the song. It was the song I had prayed for. At that moment, I completely broke down. I just felt this overwhelming sense of awe. God's awesome love enveloped me as I sat there crying.

I was finally able to cry, to let go of all those emotions. And as I was crying, I was reminded of my last day in Malawi (Refer to Post: "Back Home"). That day when I was caught in the middle of the path. I had a choice to keep on walking, or to run back and pick up little Lenard in my arms. I remember running back. I remember crying with him. I remember the pain he felt. I felt that pain, and I wanted so badly to take it away, to pick him up when he's being teased, unloved, hurt. I wanted to protect him from the world.

This time however, it was God running to me, picking me up, feeling my pain, crying with me, loving me, protecting me from this world. Til this day, I could hear God's words "Do you not think I'm hurting as well? I'm hurting for you, I'm hurting with you. I hear your pain, I'm here, in your pain. I'm crying with you. I feel it just as much, even more. I love you. I will never hurt you. I LOVE you. I always will." And as soon as God told me, "Me too, I feel it too", it took away that heavy pain. For him to hurt with me, really took the hurt away.

So many moments have been filled with inexpressible groans, but God hears them. Cry out from the depths of your soul. Speak out in the anguish of your spirit, complain in the bitterness of your soul. Do not keep silent.(Job 7:11) God is here.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela