thought this was funny and cute

precious

playing games

at the bottom of a Baobob Tree

us and our nzimbe!

home visits

our art project!

my kindergarten class!

silly monkeys

transporting water is normally a woman's job, but he was doing anything to get my attention ahaha

walking through the August Rush fields into Mgwayi village

sausage tree!

doing laundry by hand can be fun?

Guarding your heart

Coming back from Malawi, I learned this the hard way...
I was conscious of not isolating myself. I made an effort to let people in because so many times, I've been told that God works through people. While this is true, the reverse isn't. I found myself just letting anyone in, thinking anyone would and could lift me up. They didn't. People are people. They are not God. God works through people, yes, but just because you let people in, doesn't mean God will use them. I feel like God uses all kinds of people, the most unexpected people in my life to bring me up.

Looking back, I made the mistake of thinking that guarding my heart was isolating myself. How did I ever come to think that? It was just the information I was getting at the spiritual, emotional, mental place I was at. There needs to be a balance. And though it took so many mistakes, so many embarrassing moments, so many regretful thoughts, I'm glad I went through them because had I not, I would probably have never realized this about my life. It's kind of like an inevitable thing I had to go through and probably still will go through. Yea it hurt some, but it's not the kind that can't heal.

I'm glad, thankful even, that I've come to realize this now better than later. I've been walking on a path of eggshells, so focused on not cracking any, that I go the wrong direction. Maybe we're supposed to crack some eggshells along the way. Wouldn't it make getting through so much easier? It's going to be messy, but its cleanable.. and....they're just eggshells.

Somewhere in between

That's where I need to be...

I've realized that my whole life, I've been pretty extreme. Every time I find something new and exciting, I keep at it until i get sick of it. It doesn't matter what that something is, a sport, a hobby, a song that I play on repeat until my ears fall off, anything. I love trying new things, I think its the thrill of a new experience that keeps me going. Though I like to feel in control, I can't live a predicted life. I guess I'm so consciously anti-routine that I make sure I'm constantly learning and stepping out of the bubble every time I know i'm being sucked into one. But... i'm realizing right now, that its to the point where I can't even commit. I can drop anything any time and not feel any sense of loss. Find a new band, get their album, listen to it a million times, get sick of it, throw it in the huge collection of old cds. Start a new project, buy everything i need for it, finish it, admire it for a couple days, then realize what a space waster it is, throw it in the closet. Discover a new lifestyle, learn everything about it, befriend the people who live it, live it for myself, find out why I'm not happy, then realize I was trying too hard, ditch it, ditch them and find a new lifestyle, usually on the other extreme. I guess it's been happening for a while and I just didn't know it. It's come to the point where I'm not only hurting myself, but other people, and I know this is something I need to change, i just don't know how.

So having lived both extremes, neither good nor bad, I see that I'm neither, or both? Somewhere in between. I think I caught myself before wanting to plunge back into the other extreme.

This self-discovery thing, it's so tiring. But it's necessary, and the only way is to make mistakes. There's no guidebook. It's trial and error, and it sucks. It takes courage, it takes strength, it takes hope. It takes knowing that you're about to jump off a cliff into shards of glass, and somehow believing, knowing, that you will come out alive. Yes, you are alive, but you're badly beaten, broken, suffering, and it'll take months, years, to recover if at all. It takes resilience, and a will to move on instead of hiding in the hurt.

How I wish i could so easily bounce back after a terrible fall...