Somewhere in between

That's where I need to be...

I've realized that my whole life, I've been pretty extreme. Every time I find something new and exciting, I keep at it until i get sick of it. It doesn't matter what that something is, a sport, a hobby, a song that I play on repeat until my ears fall off, anything. I love trying new things, I think its the thrill of a new experience that keeps me going. Though I like to feel in control, I can't live a predicted life. I guess I'm so consciously anti-routine that I make sure I'm constantly learning and stepping out of the bubble every time I know i'm being sucked into one. But... i'm realizing right now, that its to the point where I can't even commit. I can drop anything any time and not feel any sense of loss. Find a new band, get their album, listen to it a million times, get sick of it, throw it in the huge collection of old cds. Start a new project, buy everything i need for it, finish it, admire it for a couple days, then realize what a space waster it is, throw it in the closet. Discover a new lifestyle, learn everything about it, befriend the people who live it, live it for myself, find out why I'm not happy, then realize I was trying too hard, ditch it, ditch them and find a new lifestyle, usually on the other extreme. I guess it's been happening for a while and I just didn't know it. It's come to the point where I'm not only hurting myself, but other people, and I know this is something I need to change, i just don't know how.

So having lived both extremes, neither good nor bad, I see that I'm neither, or both? Somewhere in between. I think I caught myself before wanting to plunge back into the other extreme.

This self-discovery thing, it's so tiring. But it's necessary, and the only way is to make mistakes. There's no guidebook. It's trial and error, and it sucks. It takes courage, it takes strength, it takes hope. It takes knowing that you're about to jump off a cliff into shards of glass, and somehow believing, knowing, that you will come out alive. Yes, you are alive, but you're badly beaten, broken, suffering, and it'll take months, years, to recover if at all. It takes resilience, and a will to move on instead of hiding in the hurt.

How I wish i could so easily bounce back after a terrible fall...