Christianity isn't a responsibility. It's a response.

Playing in Mgwayi!

Our daily morning devotions in Malawi

Walking in Mgwayi Village

My last wednesday in Malawi

I was so excited I found this clip. I know it's delayed, but I've been feeling super nostalgic recently.

España (click for blog)

I'm leaving to study abroad in Spain in a week. Honestly, I don't want to go. I don't know why God said yes this time. And to be completely honest, I chose to go to Spain for shallow reasons, the cobblestone paved roads, the floral decorated houses, the beautiful architecture, tapas and wine, siesta, the idea of me being in a beautiful foreign country. I guess they're not completely shallow because all those are part of Spain's culture. But, having relived Malawi through recent photos, I'm almost disgusted, repelled by my reasons for going to Spain. I could have chosen any other country. Peru, Portugal, somewhere in South America, India, or Africa. Somewhere where I know help is needed and I'll be there to help.

But then I realized. Isn't it so much easier to serve and help others when they want to be helped? Isn't it so much easier to love a bunch of poor adorable orphans than it is people who validate their worth on so much of the world? Children have this trusting innocence and will let you in immediately. But as you grow older, and especially if you live a lifestyle of brokenness, you're bound to build walls upon walls. How do you get through that?

Is that why I don't want to go? Will it be too difficult for me to love these people because they bring up so much of my past?

Or is it because I'm a person who's vastly interested in different cultures and I easily adapt and connect with others because I'm not afraid to do as they do? To eat their food, speak their language, walk in their shoes, breathe their air, and live their lifestyles. Am I afraid that I'll be influenced not because I want to fit in, but because I feel that to truly connect with people is to experience what they experience?

Am I afraid that I won't grow, that instead I'll backtrack? That I won't heal, instead, I'll hurt? That I won't have a purpose?

I think it's a little of 'all the above'.

I know God has a plan for me. And I'm trusting all I can trust right now. I know for sure there's something he wants me to learn, many things. I guess I shouldn't anticipate, it'll drive me nuts!

When I think of me going to Spain. I am reminded of the story of Jonah. I wonder why Jonah didn't want to go. The Bible never really explains. Maybe he was worried about the exact same things, who knows? But there is no way running away from God, don't want to be swallowed by a fish now ahah bad joke. (Interesting and ironic fact. The place that Jonah tried to run away to was actually somewhere south of Spain, and that's where I'm headed! Shows that there is brokenness everywhere.)But there's one verse in Jonah that really resonated with me.

Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

Jonah 2:8

As long as I remember that His grace is enough, I think I'll be okay :)

I hope heaven's a place where you can do your boyish things

A couple days ago, I heard that Vanessa had passed away due to malaria complications. It's such a weird feeling, knowing that someone was once there, and not anymore. Just last summer, I was playing with her, holding her. Watching her climb trees and do all the boyish things. She and her twin brother, Chifuniro, have both made such an impact on me. I hoped to come back and see them, all grown up. And even if I couldn't physically see her, my mind could rest assured, imagining and calculating how big she would be and what a beautiful girl she would become.

I was looking through the new interns' photos of Malawi. I felt like a worried mother, clicking through picture after picture, looking for the familiar faces, MY familiar faces. And to be honest, I think subconsciously, I was looking more to see if they were alive. Is that too candid? Because usually when you look through pictures, you look at peoples' smiles, poses, silly faces, you don't look for evidence of their existence because that is assumed; you don't take a breath of relief when you see them and you certainly don't think "oh good, he/she is alive". But I've gone a full year without any contact, pictures, updates, about these kids; you can imagine my anticipation/anxiety for these pictures. But more importantly, it really IS a matter of life and death for them.

I just can't grasp how such a preventable and treatable disease here is claiming so many lives, SOO many childrens' lives, in countries like Malawi. It makes me angry. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me sad. It makes me afraid for my kids. It makes me selfish. It makes me wonder if God makes reservations in heaven for kids like her. It makes me hope.