I hope heaven's a place where you can do your boyish things

A couple days ago, I heard that Vanessa had passed away due to malaria complications. It's such a weird feeling, knowing that someone was once there, and not anymore. Just last summer, I was playing with her, holding her. Watching her climb trees and do all the boyish things. She and her twin brother, Chifuniro, have both made such an impact on me. I hoped to come back and see them, all grown up. And even if I couldn't physically see her, my mind could rest assured, imagining and calculating how big she would be and what a beautiful girl she would become.

I was looking through the new interns' photos of Malawi. I felt like a worried mother, clicking through picture after picture, looking for the familiar faces, MY familiar faces. And to be honest, I think subconsciously, I was looking more to see if they were alive. Is that too candid? Because usually when you look through pictures, you look at peoples' smiles, poses, silly faces, you don't look for evidence of their existence because that is assumed; you don't take a breath of relief when you see them and you certainly don't think "oh good, he/she is alive". But I've gone a full year without any contact, pictures, updates, about these kids; you can imagine my anticipation/anxiety for these pictures. But more importantly, it really IS a matter of life and death for them.

I just can't grasp how such a preventable and treatable disease here is claiming so many lives, SOO many childrens' lives, in countries like Malawi. It makes me angry. It makes me feel helpless. It makes me sad. It makes me afraid for my kids. It makes me selfish. It makes me wonder if God makes reservations in heaven for kids like her. It makes me hope.