Midway in Malawi

AH! is all I can say. It's been 4 weeks here in Malawi. We just had our midway retreat with our other team from Chiwengo. Last Friday, we had PIZZA for the first time! I don't think I've ever been that excited in my life, which is why I felt so horrible after because a couple steps from where we were eating pizza, kids were dying from malnutrition and starvation. Who am I to deserve this? To be born into a privelidged family and have pizza all the time, whenever I want.
So, that got me worrying about when I come back to the states. Honestly, besides seeing my family and hugging my mom, I don't want to come home. What am I going to do when I'm surrounded by luxury? I can't help but be angry. I can't help but be angry at myself, my family, and my friends for taking everything we have for granted.

We had to do midway evaluations and there was a question asking what I want to do here as a closure for this trip. Here's my answer: I don't want closure. Because closure means to have a resolution for everything. To tie the loose ends together. Everything is resolved and you can't come back to it. I don't want Africa to be a memory, I want it to be my life. Present, past, and future. I don't want to feel helpless in the states. So my prayer right now is to have Malawi alive in my heart even after I get back. That I will be able to use whatever feelings of frustration, anger, sorrow, as ways to grow; to know God better, and to trust Him better.

Today, my friend Ben asked me to sing for devotion. At first I was like what? Really? Why? Me? Are you sure? But then something in my heart said, 'you know you want to', and I did. That was when I realized. I don't sing for people back in the states. My whole life up until middle school had been all about singing. I wanted to be a singer when I grew up. But something happened in middle school that made me stop singing for people. I was surrounded by people who made me feel inadequate. That because I wasn't a designated singer (wasn't in choir), I didn't have the right to sing, that I couldn't sing. All my life, I had been surrounded with people like that. So I chose to hide it. I made singing such a personal thing that I wouldn't share it with others.

But, I feel free here, and encouraged. I feel completley myself. Not hiding nor keeping to myself the gifts the God has given me. I don't have to hide the fact that I love to sing. My prayer coming here had been for God to reveal my purpose and that my purpose would have to do with the gifts He has given me, my passions. Everyday, I pray for opportunities. For me to be able to share his love through what I love to do. So, tomorrow I'm leading worship and I just pray that people will come to love God even more through music.

I went to the launch party for the Chisomo Idea, a non-profit (chisomoidea.com) that Noel Musicha and others is starting. I got to meet some high school Flood folks which was cool. Anyways, while I was watching the video, a thought crossed my mind. What if I started something here. I can't say what exactly yet, but I feel like God is slowly revealing to me that maybe it has to do with music. Maybe my heart is here for a reason. I know this sounds bad, but maybe that's why I have absolutely no desire to go home. Maybe that's why I love the idea of living here after college. God, please show me what you want for me.

So at the end of the day, all that I can think of are the kids, running after me through the august rush fields screaming Ahnzela! Ahnzela! Even when I'm long gone, out of their sight, I can hear my name in the distance. It's amazing how easy it is for me to recognize and name almost every single child I've built a relationship with. (p.s. to Sarah from Flood, I handed out all albums you made! they were amazing and the kids absolutely adored it. And they were screaming Auntie Sarah! We translated your letter to them and it just filled my heart with joy the expressions on their faces)

Every single day, as I reflect, I fall even more in love with Malawi. Not just with the kids, but with the people I interact with every day, the national as well as global interns, the culture, the jokes, the dance parties, the uno parties, nsima, nzimbe, our broken down jeep (the hummer) which we cram 12 people into, even the long walks to town. I love it all and I can't get enough of it.

I know it may seem as if everything here is peachy. That is all simple and its all about playing with the kids. But its much more than that. Ever day is incredibly emotionally exhausting for all of us. We constantly struggle with why God has put us here. We struggle with seeing ourselves as adequate. At times, we are impatient with God's plan and timing. But, we are here and God is here and its reassuring to know that He put us here. And we may not know why yet, but we will. It may take weeks, months, maybe years, but I know we will. I just trust.

Highlights of the week:
-I went to the market where there were these really cool wood carvings and I got practice my bargaining skills. This guy was going to charge me 16,000 for a painting and I ended up getting 2 for 2,500 kwacha (which was still a little pricy) Anyways, I'm learning. But this is where my "strength" of empathy is a weakness
-Flood worship was amazing yesterday
-met the amazing race people (traveling to 11 countries in 11 months)
-reunited with our Chiwengo interns
-had a dance party in the gazebo
-then had a Malawian uno party right after (it's not Malawian unless you feel like you've been wronged)
-learning to trust God more and more
-African sunrises and sunsets
-finishing Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
-Current book: Crazy Love, by (I forgot his first name) Chan

Well, before I say goodbye, I want to say Happy Birthday to my mom. Don't worry, I won't mention your age on here. You are an amazing woman of God. I miss you and I love you, go out and have fun for once!

Love, Love, Love,

Angela