Cabin Fever

So I dread updating my blog, because there's so much to say that I don't know what to say and where to start! Well, to start, I had my 20th Birthday here in Malawi! It was just an awesome experience. I never really celebrate my birthday back in the states because, well, it's just not a big deal to me and I don't want to be reminded that I'm growing up. It was just so nice to wake up to letters written to me from the interns and getting special treatment throughout the day. I FINALLY (after begging Keltner every week) got to go visit the widows in Mstiliza (they make all the bags and cutesy things from the widows shop which i bought as gifts for some of you!). They sang happy birthday to me and it was just so nice. And later at night, we had an intern meeting and everyone gave me a verbal birthday card. It was awkward being in the hot seat having everyone saying how they appreciate me. But I was just so touched, beyond words can describe. I think this is the most memorable birthday I'll ever have, not because I'm in Africa, not because I'm entering the roaring 20's, but because it was the first, genuine, friend-filled (missed my family though =[ ), God-centered, birthday I've ever had.

This week, Hmmmmm I'm going to be completely honest, was not the best week ever. We teach school everyday in Mgwayi and its frustrating for everyone to get past the language barrier. We have translators and whatnot, but its just not the same. The biggest struggle for me is seeing how I can help these kids learn so much more if only we spoke the same language. It's frustrating when you repeat the A B C's so much that you mess up or when you go A for apple, B for banana, C for cat, and you ask them what A's for and they go ELEPHANT! You ask them to name a letter in the alphabet and they go ONE and you're like what? Are you sure? TWO? So, yes, it's hard. But I think it makes me sad more than frustrated or angry. Some kids are 15 and they don't even know how to hold a pencil or write their name. Which is why I'm glad God has brought us here to Mgwayi.

Just last night, I was talking to one of the interns about something that honestly, just turned things upside down and broke my heart even more. I don't know if I'm able to disclose all of it here, but it has to do with things that happen in the village.
There are these people who dress up in masks and run around the village scaring kids. It's terrifying because sometimes they do more than just scare them. I've never seen one, but other interns have, and I've seen a wave of kids just crying all of a sudden because they saw one of them. It makes me angry how some people do that to little children.
Sometimes in the morning, we can hear this moaning sound coming from the village and I heard it was the husbands beating their wives. And this ritual that happens when girls turn 13 that just completely broke my heart. I don't know if any of this is 100% true, but some of it has to be. I feel like I've been seeing everyday through rose colored lenses. But, whether or not it's true, it's still hard knowing that more than half the people I've interacted with has gone through some time of emotional, physical, spiritual, trauma. That the faces I've come to know, the people I've come to love, the hands I've gotten to hold, carry so much pain and suffering, yet its all concealed by a smile or a forced laugh. I only see the happy side of things because the kids are always happy when we're there. I wonder what it's like when we're not.But, if I can take away that suffering for one moment, then I'm okay with that.

I think that this week has been especially hard for me because everyday seems more like a routine, and more and more like an obligation. Of course I know I'm going to be doing things that I would not particularly like to do. But I just feel like I'm pent up in a bubble. I don't like routine. I like spontaneity, I like adventure, I like discovering and learning new things. But I know in order to build momentum for something, we need a rhythm and finally this rhythm is going, I just need to put all my effort into it and push even harder. I know that once I get upset over something I want to do, but I don't get to do, it's just me being selfish. I'm not here for myself. I'm here for the kids, for something bigger than me, for God.

I have fallen in love with these kids (I seriously think I'm going to be like Madonna and adopt a Malawian baby). They are what drive me when I'm discouraged and down. They are what keep me going. I love them like I would love my own kids if I had kids right now (good thing I don't). Just replaying their faces in my minds really brings tears into my eyes. I've probably said this before, but I can't imagine not seeing those familiar faces ever again. I know that these last 2 weeks may be the hardest for me. But I'm willing to give my all. I know that I'm going to have to use all the self control I have not to get too emotional; I know it'll be hard. But I also know that I have God.

My mom wrote me this comment in my last blog, and I just think it's the most beautiful thing ever so I'm going to post it here again:

Dear Angela

You are filled with wonder and with praise at the beauty of God's grace.You will exalt his name and not be silent,God's love will set your music free.
May God's grace warm your heart, dry your tears.May God's spirit strengthen your soul, help you stand for all that's true.May God's peace comfort your mind,calm your fears.May God's joy let your feet dance, let your voice sing.May God's love be reflected in your life.

Happy birthday,Hsuan Hsuan!I love you.

Love,
Mom

Love, Love, Love,

Angela