Every day, I browse through photos from Africa. Every day, I look at a picture of a kid I played with and have come to love. Every day, I reminisce and replay images in my mind, twirling and tickling the kids, singing and dancing with them. I even try to replay their voices in my mind. Though pictures in my mind have become a little more blurry and the voices are starting to fade, the feeling that I have towards them, that heartbreak, grows stronger.. every single day.
At first, I really just wanted to close myself in. I remembered my first week back. I stayed home, didn't answer any calls. I got anxiety whenever I had to drive, even when I thought about going to the supermarket. I got nervous when I was about to see my friends. Africa has opened my mind to so many new things, it truly transformed the way I thought. I thought that my perceptions of my friends would change as well. I was afraid that I was going to get angry at them, that I would flip out over the tiniest things. So I tried to avoid everything and everyone all together. But, I failed to see that while I was growing in Africa, my friends were growing here. And, I should be excited to see how God was moving in their lives. I realized that by isolating myself and distancing away from my community, I was damaging my spiritual life. I was being selfish. Instead of seeing the hype for my homecoming as an opportunity to reach out to others, I saw how overwhelmed I would be. By not putting myself out there, I was slowly destroying everything I had learned in Africa.
But, I'm so thankful that God provided a few people in my life, to really just pursue me. No matter how cold I was to them, they went out of their way to reel me back in. And I appreciate their patience and perseverance.
I think I have a glimpse of what God wants me to do back in the states. In Malawi, I thought I would immediately go back to San Diego, I never thought I would end up here in LA with my family. But God has really made me a light unto my family. In Africa, I remember God tugging at my heart, telling me to pray for my family, that they were going through some strife, and he was right. Coming home, I was overwhelmed with all the drama we were going through. It seemed like while I was gone, the undercurrent of tension in my family grew. At first I was angry. As if I wasn't overwhelmed enough already. But then I realized that Satan's trying to destroy all that I've learned in Africa, and what better way to do that than to start with the people I'm closest to, my family.
Then I remembered a book my friend from Africa recommended to me called the Battlefied of the Mind by Joyce Meyers. It talked about how the mind is so powerful that it can often times, trick the heart. I just remember in the bookstore, having a battle in my mind over whether or not I should get it, because there were so many other books I wanted to read. But something told me that I couldn't leave the store without this book. That was the night that I realized the root of all the strife in my family, and this book was going to help me fight it.
So the next morning, God really spoke to me through that book. And while I was reading that, my mom was listening to a sermon about the mind. She started to share that sermon with me and I was just so shocked. I knew coming back that I would have to team up with my mom to fight something, I knew she couldn't do it alone, that she was getting tired because she's been doing it all these years. So at that moment, I knew exactly what and for who I was fighting for.
A couple days later, I went down to San Diego to check out my new apartment, I was dreading to go because before coming back, I was worried about whether or not I would have a community here. Something held me back, I didn't call anyone, except one or two people. Something in my mind just told me that I wasn't part of that community, and I certainly didn't want to be thrown back into something I didn't feel apart of. I was afraid. But then, I realized that God would never discourage me, keep me from my community, make me think bad of people. I knew those thoughts weren't from Him. I was thinking so much in my unfurnished apartment, just trying to unravel these thoughts in my mind. I felt trapped in that apartment, in my mind, and I had to get out.
I went to the gliderport. It was at night for a change and instead of the sun, I saw the moonlight streaming across the ocean. And, despite the light pollution, I saw stars! (I'm only excited about that now, at that moment, I was pretty upset) I went to sit on the edge of the cliff. Just reacting to whatever emotion I felt. My mind was wrestling with my heart, I couldn't think straight. But, I let everything out, cried everything out, all my anxiety, fears, worries, pain, heartache, everything. I didn't even know why I was crying, it was just one heavy mass of anguish. But when I let it all out, I felt peace, God's peace.
I went back to my car and decided that I didn't want to go back to that apartment. I sat there, calling my friends on the phone, just wanting to talk to someone. So I sat there in the parking lot, talking on the phone with one of my best friends. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her because the whole time, I had been trying to avoid her. She's studying abroad in Hong Kong for a semester and my heart knew that she needed to find community there. That was when God convicted me to come home, back to LA. I had to see her, I had to tell her. I had to share God's love with her.
That morning, I drove home. Bought lunch, and brought her to a picnic at the park. It was so nice to just catch up with her, learn from her, and encourage her. She's the one friend that had always stuck by me. Through my highs and very lows. She's seen me where no one has seen my before, in my complete disaster. But, not once does she judge me. She doesn't draw back when I push her away. And when I come running back to her, she embraces me with open arms. She understands me so much. She is such a beautiful person inside and out, and I just pray that she sees that. She deserves so much more than she gets, she is constantly giving, putting everyone else before herself.
I realized that I never verbalized my appreciation for her. And that's the least I owe her. I love her so much and I realized that she's been fighting her own battle alone. So, this is a surprise for her, but I'm really excited about it, and she's probably busy packing so she wouldn't read this anyway. But, I wrote her a letter every week for four months. Each letter is about a specific Bible verse that I hope would encourage her. She's taking a huge step out of her comfort zone by going abroad, and that's HUGE for her. But I knew it is God who gives her strength. I hope that these letters will give her a piece of home, and a piece of my heart. I hope it will encourage her and help her not to feel alone. I hope it reminds her that I'm missing her and praying for her. Most of all, I pray that she stays in God while she's abroad.
God is convicting me to do things more than ever, and I already have a list of convictions I need to act on. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for my friends, for my family, and for me. Every day, I realize more and more of why God wants me here. Every day, His voice becomes clearer and clearer to me. I'm humbled by the fact that God wants me to be His partner. That he wants to work not only through me, but with me.
My roommate told me a story about singer, Jeremy Camp. About how he was cleaning his kitchen one day and his daughter wanted to help him. At first he didn't want her help because he knew it would take longer than it had to, but his daughter kept on insisting, so he finally agreed. She made a mess, sweeping and everything, and the whole process took four times it usually would.
But that's how God is with us. God can do everything Himself. But he wants us to help. He wants us to partner with him, even if we make a huge mess of things, even if we make the process so much longer, so much more difficult. He loves us so much that He doesn't care about those things. He just wants to be with us, and I'm so humbled by that.
I do believe that my faith has really been tested this couple weeks, and is still being tested, every single day. But I also feel like every day, my faith is growing stronger and stronger. I don't feel anxious to drive, or go to the supermarket anymore, and I'm getting less and less anxious about seeing people. I knew coming home that seeing people would be most difficult for me as my relationships with people are my weak points. Satan knew exactly where to attack, but God is giving me the strength. God is shielding and arming me. Though I'm still fighting that battle in my mind, I know God's victory is already there.
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