"A heart can break a thousand times before it finds, the love that makes it beat again."- Chris and Conrad

It's been almost 4 months, and I still find myself clicking through these pictures. It seems like I can stare at them forever. I close my eyes and try to imagine the kids right in front of me. It's hard, but for a moment, nothing else in the world matters. Everything is just so trivial. Everything that bugs me, every hardship I'm going through, everything that once mattered so much means absolutely nothing to me, and I'm just reminded of how small my problems are.

And it is in these moments when I'm most upset about the world, my world, and what it has become. It's so hard being surrounded by people who just don't know or don't care, and the worst, don't care to know. It saddens me to see people drowning in their own seas of not even problems, but anything, infatuations, obsessions, whatever. It's stupid. I don't get it. I do it too, and I hate it.

I know I'm here for a purpose. I know people are as lost here as anywhere else. I know there's a lot I can do here. I know. I know. I just need to vent and be anti right now. anti-people, anti-things, anti-world, anti- stupidity, anti-i don't know. maybe i'm just bitter. Maybe I just see Malawi as a place that escapes all the silliness of our culture. It's simple, and I miss that, so much. Why can't it be like that here? I hate being caught up in all this silliness, and then feel like I don't belong here.

Sometimes I contrive these plans in my head of how I can logically go back to Malawi within the next year. What if I just up and left right now, this instant? Of course it makes no sense, but why does it have to? Nothing ever really makes sense to me anyways.

So that's why I go through these pictures. Because that's all I have that's tangible at least. I look at these faces and my heart breaks again and again, and again, and at the same time, it's these very faces that keep my heart beating. It's times like these when I know I'm going back, I can't not.