Letter from Rachel!

Okay so sorry for writing so much, but I was freaking out because my flash drive that had all my pictures and all my videos I took this whole trip decided to break and not work. But, I had uploaded some of my pics on Rachel's laptop so I've been bugging her all day about it and she just wrote me back. I thought the email was funny:

I still have all your pictures on my computer. How do you want me to get them to you? How was you flight home? My first act when I got back on AMerican soil was to bye a cup of coco at Starbucks. So there I was in in Washington DC drinking a cup of Starbucks beverage looking at an American flag. In the words of Mary if I would have seen a bald eagle I probably would have cried. Ofcourse I had no one to share that thought with. It was really sad. Anyway let me know about the picture thing and get some rest.

I miss you so much Rachel!!

Back home

It's so weird being home. I feel like there's been a sudden and abrupt shift in settings. But I think I can finally recap on my last day of ministry. Last Friday was so great. I got to meet the parents of all those kids who I've come to love and it's so assuring to know that they have older siblings to look up to, brothers, especially, because of the absence of father figures. So we dropped off our gifts, gave our last goodbyes, and headed our way up to the compounds. I was actually proud of myself for holding back those tears. But when I was about halfway there. I heard Lenard, this boy who always gets picked on, just crying nonstop. I turn around and I see him sobbing face down in the dirt while all the other kids just stared. The other interns started walking away and I just stood there, not knowing what to do. I know we had already said our final goodbye, but I knew that if I walked away at that point, I could not live with myself. I couldn't leave knowing that I was fully capable of being there for him, of showing love to him, when everyone else abandoned him, if I just retraced a couple steps backwards. I felt an urge to run back and hold him in my arms and cry with him. It just broke my heart so much seeing this little boy cry. He's the one who's always in the background, being overlooked and bullied by everyone. He's not the brightest in the classroom, but he's not too scared to raise his hand. He's not the cutest of the kids, but he never ceases to smile. He's always the one helping me with bags of classroom materials too heavy for him to carry. He never asks for "one peekchah". He doesn't tease others. He doesn't ask for toys, shoes, money, anything. And at the end of everyday, he's always the one holding my hand and walking me to the end of the road, just to say a brief good bye, even though he lives on the opposite side, even when he has to walk home alone right after. Seeing him hurt was so unfair. Seeing him abandoned was just too much. I couldn't do that to him. I ran back and completely broke down, in front of him, in front of all the kids. I know we're not supposed to cry, because that's not how we want the kids to remember us. But something just told me it was okay. It's okay to cry, to share the pain with someone else if it means taking part of that pain away. We just sat there for a moment, crying.

I realized at that moment that I was going to come back to Malawi. It's too symbolic. I've given my heart to these kids, they've given their heart to me. Of course I'm going to feel pain when they are hurting. I've placed my heart in Malawi and I'm suffering each day without it. Though I'm back in the states, I feel as I did that day when I was standing there in the middle, watching him cry. But, I'm here, knowing that there are kids crying at this very moment, kids suffering, sick, starving, except this time, I can't just run back. Though I feel helpless, I trust in God's timing. I know He'll say "Go", and when He does, I'll be soaring.

So on our last day in Malawi, we decided to walk to the Obama shop one last time to get some nzimbe (sugar cane) and cokes (Obamas are these huge lumps of bread that the Malawians named after our president, I don't know, it was random, it used to be called Bin Laden in 2001) and across the road, I hear someone calling my name. And there was Lenardi, all smiles. I'm so thankful I got to see him one last time. He's taught me so much about not only turning the other cheek, but to continue to show love while doing so. He's so strong. At that moment, I knew that everything would be okay, that God's watching over him.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Letter from Luke

I got this email from Luke probably like 30 minutes after I gave him my email. I miss you Luka

Sister,
How I loved to see you dancing all the time even when taking your lunch. Who's gonna dance for the kids and the interns now that you're leaving?? Your openness helped us (me) to get to know you easier. Keep being useful for the Lord.
Wishing u a safe journey u fly back home.
God bless you.
Luke

Tionana Malawi

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a looong while. These last couple weeks have just flown by sooo fast. It seems like just yesterday was our midway retreat. Anyways, I'm sitting here with Alinafe Kwilimbe and we were just chatting.

I don't really know what to say right now, because I'm still processing everything. But these few weeks were the hardest weeks I've been through. Everyday was just so emotionally and mentally draining. I specifically remember last wednesday when I went to Chitipi (one of COTN's orphan homes) I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any second. (Haha, I just asked Alinafe what I should write and she said this: "I don't know what to say because i'm so sad right now") It's not that I'm sad that I'm leaving Malawi, but more of because I'm leaving the people I've come to know and love, the kids, and the lifestyle.

It's so frustrating because I'm trying to grasp the words for the events that are replaying over and over again in my mind. So I'm just going to write about the most recent event which is yesterday and we'll work our way backwards.

Yesterday was the last day of ministry in Mgwayi. We've given our time, our hearts, our tears, sweat, anything and everything in that village, in those kids. It was just so hard to say goodbye because we've poured every last drop we had. But something that really touched me was during outreach. So I mentioned in my last post about those people who terrorized the villages by scaring little kids. It just so happened that they came yesterday. All of a sudden, the kids just stopped what they were doing and a wave of fear just came over the field. They were screaming and running away and I don't think I've ever seen such fear in these kids before. That was when I realized that these kids don't go without a day of feeling fear whether it be of those people, of hyenas, or of hunger and sickness. To go through that constant fear as a child is so traumatizing and to have that fear be the norm is just, unimaginable to me. They are so strong, and they don't even know it.

Anyways, as the kids were running and crying, Chifuniro (I guess you can call him my favorite little boy, even though we're not supposd to have favorites) called out to this little crying boy in front of me, took his hand, and told him to hold my hand. Then he started to wipe the tears off his face. At that moment, my heart just felt so full and so warm. He's only about 5 years old, yet he's so mature. It's amazing to witness these kids share God's love to one another. And that's when I knew that I had atleast accomplished something. I don't know. I'm still processing everything. But that's just half of what happened yesterday.

I wish I could write more, but it would take me probably a whole day or two to give you all a full update. But I just want you to know that I'm hanging in there. All the interns are heading out to the Lake on Monday. I know these few days are going to be the hardest. I just pray that God prepares our hearts for home and for everything we're about to face.

Don't, worry though, I will give you the full update and then some when I have time! Promise!

Love, Love, Love,

Angela Wu

Cabin Fever

So I dread updating my blog, because there's so much to say that I don't know what to say and where to start! Well, to start, I had my 20th Birthday here in Malawi! It was just an awesome experience. I never really celebrate my birthday back in the states because, well, it's just not a big deal to me and I don't want to be reminded that I'm growing up. It was just so nice to wake up to letters written to me from the interns and getting special treatment throughout the day. I FINALLY (after begging Keltner every week) got to go visit the widows in Mstiliza (they make all the bags and cutesy things from the widows shop which i bought as gifts for some of you!). They sang happy birthday to me and it was just so nice. And later at night, we had an intern meeting and everyone gave me a verbal birthday card. It was awkward being in the hot seat having everyone saying how they appreciate me. But I was just so touched, beyond words can describe. I think this is the most memorable birthday I'll ever have, not because I'm in Africa, not because I'm entering the roaring 20's, but because it was the first, genuine, friend-filled (missed my family though =[ ), God-centered, birthday I've ever had.

This week, Hmmmmm I'm going to be completely honest, was not the best week ever. We teach school everyday in Mgwayi and its frustrating for everyone to get past the language barrier. We have translators and whatnot, but its just not the same. The biggest struggle for me is seeing how I can help these kids learn so much more if only we spoke the same language. It's frustrating when you repeat the A B C's so much that you mess up or when you go A for apple, B for banana, C for cat, and you ask them what A's for and they go ELEPHANT! You ask them to name a letter in the alphabet and they go ONE and you're like what? Are you sure? TWO? So, yes, it's hard. But I think it makes me sad more than frustrated or angry. Some kids are 15 and they don't even know how to hold a pencil or write their name. Which is why I'm glad God has brought us here to Mgwayi.

Just last night, I was talking to one of the interns about something that honestly, just turned things upside down and broke my heart even more. I don't know if I'm able to disclose all of it here, but it has to do with things that happen in the village.
There are these people who dress up in masks and run around the village scaring kids. It's terrifying because sometimes they do more than just scare them. I've never seen one, but other interns have, and I've seen a wave of kids just crying all of a sudden because they saw one of them. It makes me angry how some people do that to little children.
Sometimes in the morning, we can hear this moaning sound coming from the village and I heard it was the husbands beating their wives. And this ritual that happens when girls turn 13 that just completely broke my heart. I don't know if any of this is 100% true, but some of it has to be. I feel like I've been seeing everyday through rose colored lenses. But, whether or not it's true, it's still hard knowing that more than half the people I've interacted with has gone through some time of emotional, physical, spiritual, trauma. That the faces I've come to know, the people I've come to love, the hands I've gotten to hold, carry so much pain and suffering, yet its all concealed by a smile or a forced laugh. I only see the happy side of things because the kids are always happy when we're there. I wonder what it's like when we're not.But, if I can take away that suffering for one moment, then I'm okay with that.

I think that this week has been especially hard for me because everyday seems more like a routine, and more and more like an obligation. Of course I know I'm going to be doing things that I would not particularly like to do. But I just feel like I'm pent up in a bubble. I don't like routine. I like spontaneity, I like adventure, I like discovering and learning new things. But I know in order to build momentum for something, we need a rhythm and finally this rhythm is going, I just need to put all my effort into it and push even harder. I know that once I get upset over something I want to do, but I don't get to do, it's just me being selfish. I'm not here for myself. I'm here for the kids, for something bigger than me, for God.

I have fallen in love with these kids (I seriously think I'm going to be like Madonna and adopt a Malawian baby). They are what drive me when I'm discouraged and down. They are what keep me going. I love them like I would love my own kids if I had kids right now (good thing I don't). Just replaying their faces in my minds really brings tears into my eyes. I've probably said this before, but I can't imagine not seeing those familiar faces ever again. I know that these last 2 weeks may be the hardest for me. But I'm willing to give my all. I know that I'm going to have to use all the self control I have not to get too emotional; I know it'll be hard. But I also know that I have God.

My mom wrote me this comment in my last blog, and I just think it's the most beautiful thing ever so I'm going to post it here again:

Dear Angela

You are filled with wonder and with praise at the beauty of God's grace.You will exalt his name and not be silent,God's love will set your music free.
May God's grace warm your heart, dry your tears.May God's spirit strengthen your soul, help you stand for all that's true.May God's peace comfort your mind,calm your fears.May God's joy let your feet dance, let your voice sing.May God's love be reflected in your life.

Happy birthday,Hsuan Hsuan!I love you.

Love,
Mom

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Midway in Malawi

AH! is all I can say. It's been 4 weeks here in Malawi. We just had our midway retreat with our other team from Chiwengo. Last Friday, we had PIZZA for the first time! I don't think I've ever been that excited in my life, which is why I felt so horrible after because a couple steps from where we were eating pizza, kids were dying from malnutrition and starvation. Who am I to deserve this? To be born into a privelidged family and have pizza all the time, whenever I want.
So, that got me worrying about when I come back to the states. Honestly, besides seeing my family and hugging my mom, I don't want to come home. What am I going to do when I'm surrounded by luxury? I can't help but be angry. I can't help but be angry at myself, my family, and my friends for taking everything we have for granted.

We had to do midway evaluations and there was a question asking what I want to do here as a closure for this trip. Here's my answer: I don't want closure. Because closure means to have a resolution for everything. To tie the loose ends together. Everything is resolved and you can't come back to it. I don't want Africa to be a memory, I want it to be my life. Present, past, and future. I don't want to feel helpless in the states. So my prayer right now is to have Malawi alive in my heart even after I get back. That I will be able to use whatever feelings of frustration, anger, sorrow, as ways to grow; to know God better, and to trust Him better.

Today, my friend Ben asked me to sing for devotion. At first I was like what? Really? Why? Me? Are you sure? But then something in my heart said, 'you know you want to', and I did. That was when I realized. I don't sing for people back in the states. My whole life up until middle school had been all about singing. I wanted to be a singer when I grew up. But something happened in middle school that made me stop singing for people. I was surrounded by people who made me feel inadequate. That because I wasn't a designated singer (wasn't in choir), I didn't have the right to sing, that I couldn't sing. All my life, I had been surrounded with people like that. So I chose to hide it. I made singing such a personal thing that I wouldn't share it with others.

But, I feel free here, and encouraged. I feel completley myself. Not hiding nor keeping to myself the gifts the God has given me. I don't have to hide the fact that I love to sing. My prayer coming here had been for God to reveal my purpose and that my purpose would have to do with the gifts He has given me, my passions. Everyday, I pray for opportunities. For me to be able to share his love through what I love to do. So, tomorrow I'm leading worship and I just pray that people will come to love God even more through music.

I went to the launch party for the Chisomo Idea, a non-profit (chisomoidea.com) that Noel Musicha and others is starting. I got to meet some high school Flood folks which was cool. Anyways, while I was watching the video, a thought crossed my mind. What if I started something here. I can't say what exactly yet, but I feel like God is slowly revealing to me that maybe it has to do with music. Maybe my heart is here for a reason. I know this sounds bad, but maybe that's why I have absolutely no desire to go home. Maybe that's why I love the idea of living here after college. God, please show me what you want for me.

So at the end of the day, all that I can think of are the kids, running after me through the august rush fields screaming Ahnzela! Ahnzela! Even when I'm long gone, out of their sight, I can hear my name in the distance. It's amazing how easy it is for me to recognize and name almost every single child I've built a relationship with. (p.s. to Sarah from Flood, I handed out all albums you made! they were amazing and the kids absolutely adored it. And they were screaming Auntie Sarah! We translated your letter to them and it just filled my heart with joy the expressions on their faces)

Every single day, as I reflect, I fall even more in love with Malawi. Not just with the kids, but with the people I interact with every day, the national as well as global interns, the culture, the jokes, the dance parties, the uno parties, nsima, nzimbe, our broken down jeep (the hummer) which we cram 12 people into, even the long walks to town. I love it all and I can't get enough of it.

I know it may seem as if everything here is peachy. That is all simple and its all about playing with the kids. But its much more than that. Ever day is incredibly emotionally exhausting for all of us. We constantly struggle with why God has put us here. We struggle with seeing ourselves as adequate. At times, we are impatient with God's plan and timing. But, we are here and God is here and its reassuring to know that He put us here. And we may not know why yet, but we will. It may take weeks, months, maybe years, but I know we will. I just trust.

Highlights of the week:
-I went to the market where there were these really cool wood carvings and I got practice my bargaining skills. This guy was going to charge me 16,000 for a painting and I ended up getting 2 for 2,500 kwacha (which was still a little pricy) Anyways, I'm learning. But this is where my "strength" of empathy is a weakness
-Flood worship was amazing yesterday
-met the amazing race people (traveling to 11 countries in 11 months)
-reunited with our Chiwengo interns
-had a dance party in the gazebo
-then had a Malawian uno party right after (it's not Malawian unless you feel like you've been wronged)
-learning to trust God more and more
-African sunrises and sunsets
-finishing Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
-Current book: Crazy Love, by (I forgot his first name) Chan

Well, before I say goodbye, I want to say Happy Birthday to my mom. Don't worry, I won't mention your age on here. You are an amazing woman of God. I miss you and I love you, go out and have fun for once!

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Music needs no language

Hello again!
I'm sitting outside of the offices with Mpotso, our German Shephard guard dog. He's featured in one of our MTV cribs episodes. Um, this week was good. It's hard to summarize how I'm feeling and I think I finally understand how last year's interns felt. So my feelings are indescribable, but what's so beautiful about that is that God is in my unknown. The more I don't know, the more He knows and the more I'm trusting in Him to know for me. If that makes any sense. But I was struggling with that this week. It's not like God disappeared on me, it was more like he got quiet. I was so frustrated on Monday that I remember sitting in this little gazebo, and in my mind, just yelling. Where are you? I wasn't looking forward to our home visits later because I felt like I was going implode or something. But as we were walking to Mgwayi, I kept on praying that God would give me strength to stay intact. As we were approaching our house (The house of Mercy [named after our house mom]), I saw these two smiling little boys who I always played with, pushing past the people in front of me and just racing to see who grabbed my hand first. At that moment, I didn't think much about it because that was basically what I did every day, hold hands ("hand ministry" coined by Ben Meki). But that night, as I was reflecting on my day. That image popped into my mind. I kept on replaying it over and over in my head. Their smiling eyes, their crooked baby teeth, their snotty noses and sticky hands. In that split of a second, He revealed Himself to me in the face of little Chifuniro (his name means "God's will"). I wrote in my journal, "I'm just so overwhelemed by it right now. Those kids have absolutely nothing, (or what we consider as nothing) and yet there were still so overjoyed. I don't deserve this at all. Who am I for them to find such happiness and joy in? I'm nobody. Seeing us interns is truly the highlight of their day, maybe even their childhood. So instead of groaning when they ask for the millionth time 'one peekcha' (one picture). I'll take it. What is one more or one million more pictures to me? It's nothing. But it's everything to them. So why don't I give them my nothing so they can have their everything?" [these kids love seeing themselves in pictures, mostly because they don't have mirrors so they don't know what they look like. so consequently, when an azungu comes, they as for 'one peekcha' all the time, and a never ending cycle of 'one peekchas' begin] I was just so humbled at that moment and it is such an honor to be loved by these kids.

There's more, as I was taking pictures of these kids and replaying the picture back to them, I stumbled across this video I had taken of kids in Chitipi welcoming us to Malawi in song. I played the video and hoards of kids just piled on top of me (the kids were so close I think someone even drooled on me). Even though they didn't know the song, they were trying to sing along. I replayed it and more kids came running towards me. The pushing got so bad that Felix, our national intern, had to tell them to get off of me which was funny. After the video, I asked how many of them liked to sing. Immediately, all these hands shot up. That was when I thought we should sing. It was so fun, singing songs in Chichewa. But it wasn't just fun. It was uniting. No one was pushing each other, no one was fighting for the intern's hands, no one was yelling. Everyone came together in song and I'm glad I captured that on my video camera. I later replayed that video back to the kids and they were soo happy. They pointed and laughed at themselves, their friends, and at me. It was such a God filled moment.

Music is such a powerful thing, especially in Malawian culture. Everyone sings, everyone dances. I wanted to use music to bring people together and bring them to God. With that in mind, I prepared a message for my family on Thursday. We first did some chores. We grinded some corn into flour at a corn mill, and carried the buckets on our heads all the way back. Then we played, what I call the booty game. All the girls gather in circles, clapping, and singing, and would take turns dancing in the middle. I'm amazed at how well they can shake it. We were so loud that the whole neighborhood started joining in. When we had a whole crowd, Felix started singing a Chichewa worship song ("Tikutamandani" which means we praise you). It was so amazing to see these people, kids and adults, sing with such passion. It was then and there that I knew I was speaking their language. I told them later that because I can't speak Chichewa, my way of speaking to them, of sharing my love for them, of sharing God's love for them, is through song. I shared a couple Psalms and told them that singing is also my way of talking to God. I told them that we should sing loud so that everyone in the village can join us in chorus, and through that, may they come to God. So, I'm going to try to make this a regular thing. Singing. And I just pray that God's song will touch their hearts as it did mine.

So ofcourse their is so much to tell, but little time. So here's a condensed version of what went on this week:
-Flood interns went to George's wedding yesterday (He works at Flood Malawi) and we did a little number on the dance floor which was funny because people started cheering for us
-shared many lifestories yesterday
-watched "cool runnings" which was very inspiring and we're now going to start a Malawian bobsled team
-introduced kids to bubbles and how they are for playing with and not for eating
-Oh! Daddy Chris came this week (Chris Clark, founder of COTN), which was really awesome because he gave a really touching sermon about how when we focus on God and not the waves of life that can break you down, the world will start to fade away; we will be able to see things through His lenses.
-went to the welcoming party for Big Daddy Chris. There were "acrobats" which really scared me because they were climbing on the beams of the building and I thought the roof was going to collapse.
-had a nzimbe (sugar cane) eating contest (it wasn't really a contest, I was just wanted to see how fast I could finish one) which made my teeth feel like they were going to fall out (you had to strip the bark with your teeth, I'm surprised I didn't get any splinters in my tongue)

that's all for now folks. I'm hoping to upload some videos and pictures soon on facebook. Also, I just want to thank all of you for your comments, emails, and everything. It really is an encouragement to read!

Another quickie

So I'm on Keltner's comp, spending more time than I should on the internet. BUT, I really want to keep you guys plugged in to what I'm doing here. I'm hoping this blog will allow you to vicariously witness God in Africa.

Coming to Africa, I thought I was going to be completely blown away by the differences in culture, in people, language, everything. But the longer I'm here, the more I realize how similar we really are. And I'm blown away by that. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with because God is here. God is in these people, in this place. We are all connected by one God. We are all God's children. It's just so amazing seeing it here.

A couple times a week, the interns meet to share life stories. Though I've shared my story in bits in pieces, I've never really shared it as one whole cohesive thing. So I was dreading it, putting it off, and dreading it some more. But, I felt that God was really calling me tell it all and tell it like it is AND to people I'd met only about a week ago. He truly gave me the strength to face my life and tell my story. And, once I told that story, I was just overwhelmed with love. Love that I never expected, and love that was from God.

It's just so awesome here. Living, breathing, walking, talking, laughing, crying, with God all the time. And at the end of every single day, I can't help but feel a little bit sad that I have one less day here in Malawi.

So since I don't have much time to elaborate on everything, here's a list of things about today that I want to mention:
I went to Flood Malawi today and met with Pastor Sean!
Got a tour of African Bible College!
Went to Bright's (a friend) farm today and had sugar cane, some root thing, and Malawian "bubblegum" which was really Malawian mucus! (I'll explain later)
I've crashed a Malawian birthday party!
Hopefully I'll get to crash a couple Malawian weddings soon.
Went to the Malawian market and bargained in Chichewa.
Squished with 11 other people in the defender (our jeep) which we also refer to as the hummer
Made Nsima with the villagers
Learned how to shake it like Malawians do
Assimilated with ease with Malawian time (Malawians are always late...probably not the best thing)
Took a million pictures
Made MTV Cribs Malawi Africa Edition
The stars here are amazing! (different hemisphere, different constellations. I can see the southen cross!)
The clouds are even more ridiculous!
AND, African sunsets are more than I bargained for
Book I'm currently reading: Abba's Child by Brennan Manning

Ok it's time to go now, but hopefully you got a little taste of Malawi from this! Still more to come!!

Love, Love, Love

Angela

HellOoOOoo from Malawiiii!!!

MULI BWANGI my friends!
Ok so I'm finally allowed to use the internet! And I officially have 17 minutes and 41 seconds left so I have to make this a quickie. Malawi is AMAAAZING. The people here are just so friendly, loving, funny, and all of the above. I really feel home here and surprisingly I'm not homesick. Coming to Malawi, I was expecting to be culture shocked immediately, but I don't feel entirely shocked yet. We live right next to a village called Mgwayi and we go there for home visits and teaching at a elementary school. Its so funny because right as we enter the village, we hear kids shouting AZUNGU AZUNGU! (which means white people) ahaha then we hear a storm of running footsteps and emerging from the grassy fields is a stampede of little African children with their hands open wide, reaching out to grab ours. I'm sitting here trying to describe how I feel every time I walk out there and I can't (probably because I keep checking how many minutes I have left online). It's overwhelming. This week alone has been so amazing. God is everywhere. I see it Him in my fellow interns, the national interns, and even in the snotty faces of the kids. I love it! There are so many stories I need to post on here, but it will take more than 6 minutes. So, I just wanted to tell you all that I'm alive and loving every single moment here! I hope you all are doing well in the states. I'm thinking of and praying for you all!

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Adios!

I'm finally finished with packing! 3 suitcases and one carry-on ! I wanted to put all my clothes in my carry-on because I don't trust the airports. And, with my luck, something's bound to happen. BUT, I trust God. So that's enough!

I don't think I could have packed all this in one day without my mom. She basically packed everything and I just sat there feeling overwhelmed with packing (or not packing). She was the one that made me focus every 5 seconds. I'm so thankful for her :).

Even though I'm bringing so much, I wish I could bring more because there is so much to give. Packing things made me realize how blessed we are to live here, with things basically handed to us on a silver platter. How we take everything for granted, and not just appreciate the simple things.

My friends came to say a final goodbye. It was so nice seeing them even for a little bit. AAH I'll miss you guys so much!! I'll update you guys with my address and stuff ASAP!

Now, I'm just waiting for my dad so we can leave for the airport. I'm excited to give him his Father's Day gift!

OK I HAVE TO GO NOW! BYEEE

I pray that the flight goes well and our luggage doesn't get lost!! And that we'll have patience and flexibility for whatever decides to spring on us!

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

One more day

I finally got everything I need for Africa!! All I have to do now is play Tetris and try to fit it all in :(. I'm really bad at Tetris so I'm not looking forward to this.

These clouds are for real!

I said one last goodbye to San Diego and the Port on

Wednesday. I heard it was supposed to rain that day, but God held the rain for me and gave me the most ridiculously painted sky. I was seriously watching the clouds the whole

time, (though I don't recommend driving and taking pictures). Anyways, I'm going to miss sunny cali but I'm looking forward to the amazing African sunset!

People keep asking me how I'm feeling about Africa. And my answer is always, "I'm not sure", "I feel normal?", "fine". I think its because I'm feeling so many different things that they all become one giant mush. I feel excited, hopeful, blessed, anxious, overwhelmed, nervous, and sometimes a little lost. I guess I'm feeling all of these because I really don't know what to expect. I'm just going to go in with an open mind and open heart and just see what God has planned for me.

I'm really going to miss my family and my friends and my dogs. I'm going to miss my grandma insisting on calling Shaggy "Shazzy" and Puffy "Hoppy". I'm going to miss late night chatting while snacking with my parents. I'm going to miss chocolate.

I'm not looking forward to the long flight. I've never even been off this continent before! AAH, but I'm prepared with tylenol PM and whatever (legal) drugs will do the trick. I'm at a loss for words right now. This blog is incoherent, and so is my mind right now. I just pray that God will fill me with His peace, love, and joy as I go onboard with this mission.

Thank you for all of your support, prayers, and love. I will carry your words of wisdom with me to Africa.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Home

I never thought that being home would actually upset me. I love my family, but it's frustrating when you feel like they don't see all the growing you did while in college. It's not their fault, but they treat you like how they last saw you which causes you to fall into this self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt like I was back where I started, at square one. I felt like God stayed back in San Diego and I was here, alone.

So here I was, irritated, confused, lost. I found it exhausting to talk to my family about how much God was working in my life. I thought they just wouldn't get it. I felt enveloped in these negative emotions. But, not once did my parents hold my attitude against me. They showed nothing but even more love, drawing closer every time I tried to push them away. Through their love, I was reminded of God's love, God's presence, God's power. That even though, in my mind, I think He's not here, He actually is. And so through prayer and petition, I was able to finally sit down and share my story with my parents.

I'm reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, and this passage really stuck out to me as it is very applicable to my life. (If you don't know, the Screwtape Letters are letters written by Screwtape, a wise old devil, to his nephew, Wormwood, "a novice demon in charge of securing the damnation of an ordinary young man")

"He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But, He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later, He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It's during such trough periods, much more than during peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creatures He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those that please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with, the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand, and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived Wormwood. Our cause is never more dangerous than when a human, no longer desires, but still intending, to do our Enemy's (God's) will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys" --Screwtape Letters (p 40) by C.S. Lewis

Coming home was definitely a challenge I did not expect. But, I think it's so amazing that God continues to guide me. He saved me from relapsing into that old mold. He saved me from apathy.

"though now for a little while, you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith...may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

1 Peter 1:6-9

I really hope that this serves as encouragement for you. God is always here even though it may not seem so. Continue to pray and seek Him because it is prayer at these "trough" times that please Him most and are the most threatening to the enemy. He will help you overcome these trials so long as you put your faith in Him. Through this, you faith will be proved genuine, more precious than gold.

I'm praying for all you interns, and I can't wait to serve with you! 5 more days 'til Malawi!!

Love, Love, Love

Angela

Wedding in Malawi

I was playing (cello) for my pastor's daughter's wedding today and it, like most weddings, was a beautiful ceremony. But the one thing that stuck out to me most was when the pastor talked about equality. A marriage isn't about equality because to be equal means to be separate, to be separate individuals. Marriage is about oneness; its about unity. Completing each other to become one another. In order to achieve that oneness, both have to submit. Now that word alone comes with a negative connotation. Are women just supposed to live by some double standard? No, don't confuse this with subjugate. While submit is willingly, subjugate is by force, and that's where the double standard comes in.

Quite frankly, I think submission is a beautiful thing. Both the husband and wife sacrifice their own needs to serve each other. There is no struggle for equality as they become the same entity. There are no hierarchies. To submit is to sacrifice, and what better sacrifice than one for love? That's what God did for us. Sacrifice out of love. Submit out of love.

I was reading the COTN venture training manual and I came across this verse:

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!"

Philippians 2: 5-8

This verse really just reminded me of putting other's needs before my own whether it be the needs of the kids, my fellow interns, or the COTN staff. I need to make myself nothing (wow!) so that God can make me something. Through submission, we can be a united front, working as different parts to achieve oneness, to become one body of Christ. I really pray that we will all be able to submit, to be able to put our prides aside and remember that we are serving each other, serving God.

and so when the time came to say those words which would seal that promise...

Pastor: "repeat after me... 'I Kenny.....agree to honor, cherish, and love you, so long as I live'"

Groom:"I Kenny.... agree to honor, cherish, and love you so long as I live"

Pastor: "Do you?"

Groom: "Do you?....I mean, I do"

(audience cracks up)

and when it was the bride's turn, she, with a corrective air, said, "I do"

(audience chuckles)

I really hope they do, Best of luck Kathy and Kenny! :)

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Meet me at the Gliderport

After my last

final today, I went to the gliderport. It's this cliff area above blacks beach that hang glide

rs and paragliders jump of from. Sitting there, I could take in the grand expanse of the ocean.

It seemed endless and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see where the ocean ended and the sky began. It's overwhelming, God's power. I love this port because it's a nice place to just get away, to think, to not think, to rest, to listen, to pray, to cry, to breathe. It's the place where I can talk to God without distraction.

These past few months have been quite spiritually challenging for me. I really feel as if God is truly shaping and preparing my heart for Africa. Ever since I became involved with The Rescue, a worldwide event put on by Invisible Children (invisiblechildren.com), I started feeling a constant yearning and hunger to pursue God. And it was from then, did

my spiritual journey truly take pace.

Every week, day,and sometimes even hour was, and still may be, a struggle for me as God has brought up so many painful memories from my past. All the hurt and suffering that I never properly recuperated from suddenly reappeared in my life once again. At first, I found myself blaming God. Asking him why I had to relive it all a

gain. I felt like I was pounding at his chest and asking "why me?". But the harder I pounded, the tighter He held me.

I was at the gliderport when I realized that I still have so much healing to do. Sometimes I find myself physically, emotionally, spiritually drained. But, God picks me up every time I stumble and fall. He has revealed His perfect love for me through my friends, my community. Every time I felt like drawing away from that community, He finds someway, someone, to pull me back. And though it may not seem so, the timing is just perfect. This is something I needed to sort through before I leave. I want to be able to give all of my heart to God by sharing His love with Malawi. And to do so, I need to first be filled with His perfect love. Because perfect love drives out fear (and there was definitely much fear and hurt in my heart), it makes sense that I'm dealing with all of this right now. Emptying out the bad, and pouring in the good. And though it may be painful at times, it hurts so good because of God. I can see my past as something beautiful; something I can grow from. I can see God in my pain, working through my pain, healing me from my pain, and bringing me closer to Him because of my pain.

That's why I love the gliderport. It's where I jump off and glide into His arms. It's the place where we meet.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

9 Days 'Til Malawi!

This is my pet giraffe. His name is Carl :)

So, I started a different blog last night and I was pretty excited about it because I made it all pretty. Then I got an email last night saying we have a blog for all the COTN interns on blogspot, which I was super excited for, but also sad because I spent all this time editing html on my other blog. I could still use that one, but I just figured this one was more convenient. ANYWAYS..I need to stop rambling and being annoying.

Here is my post from yesterday:

Hello friends!

I’m supposed to be writing a paper and studying for my philosophy final tomorrow, but I can’t concentrate because I just keep thinking about Malawi! It’s feels so strange knowing that I’ll be boarding my plane in TEN DAYS. Whereas a couple months ago, I would be like, “oh yea, I’m going to Malawi”, now I’m like “OH MY GOD, I’M GOING TO MALAWI?!”. It’s pretty surreal right now. I can’t wait until finals are over so I can fully prepare my heart for this trip! AHHH OK, I really need to get back to studying!

Love, Love, Love,

Angela!