Home

I never thought that being home would actually upset me. I love my family, but it's frustrating when you feel like they don't see all the growing you did while in college. It's not their fault, but they treat you like how they last saw you which causes you to fall into this self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt like I was back where I started, at square one. I felt like God stayed back in San Diego and I was here, alone.

So here I was, irritated, confused, lost. I found it exhausting to talk to my family about how much God was working in my life. I thought they just wouldn't get it. I felt enveloped in these negative emotions. But, not once did my parents hold my attitude against me. They showed nothing but even more love, drawing closer every time I tried to push them away. Through their love, I was reminded of God's love, God's presence, God's power. That even though, in my mind, I think He's not here, He actually is. And so through prayer and petition, I was able to finally sit down and share my story with my parents.

I'm reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, and this passage really stuck out to me as it is very applicable to my life. (If you don't know, the Screwtape Letters are letters written by Screwtape, a wise old devil, to his nephew, Wormwood, "a novice demon in charge of securing the damnation of an ordinary young man")

"He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But, He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later, He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It's during such trough periods, much more than during peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creatures He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those that please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with, the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand, and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived Wormwood. Our cause is never more dangerous than when a human, no longer desires, but still intending, to do our Enemy's (God's) will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys" --Screwtape Letters (p 40) by C.S. Lewis

Coming home was definitely a challenge I did not expect. But, I think it's so amazing that God continues to guide me. He saved me from relapsing into that old mold. He saved me from apathy.

"though now for a little while, you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith...may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

1 Peter 1:6-9

I really hope that this serves as encouragement for you. God is always here even though it may not seem so. Continue to pray and seek Him because it is prayer at these "trough" times that please Him most and are the most threatening to the enemy. He will help you overcome these trials so long as you put your faith in Him. Through this, you faith will be proved genuine, more precious than gold.

I'm praying for all you interns, and I can't wait to serve with you! 5 more days 'til Malawi!!

Love, Love, Love

Angela