thought this was funny and cute

precious

playing games

at the bottom of a Baobob Tree

us and our nzimbe!

home visits

our art project!

my kindergarten class!

silly monkeys

transporting water is normally a woman's job, but he was doing anything to get my attention ahaha

walking through the August Rush fields into Mgwayi village

sausage tree!

doing laundry by hand can be fun?

Guarding your heart

Coming back from Malawi, I learned this the hard way...
I was conscious of not isolating myself. I made an effort to let people in because so many times, I've been told that God works through people. While this is true, the reverse isn't. I found myself just letting anyone in, thinking anyone would and could lift me up. They didn't. People are people. They are not God. God works through people, yes, but just because you let people in, doesn't mean God will use them. I feel like God uses all kinds of people, the most unexpected people in my life to bring me up.

Looking back, I made the mistake of thinking that guarding my heart was isolating myself. How did I ever come to think that? It was just the information I was getting at the spiritual, emotional, mental place I was at. There needs to be a balance. And though it took so many mistakes, so many embarrassing moments, so many regretful thoughts, I'm glad I went through them because had I not, I would probably have never realized this about my life. It's kind of like an inevitable thing I had to go through and probably still will go through. Yea it hurt some, but it's not the kind that can't heal.

I'm glad, thankful even, that I've come to realize this now better than later. I've been walking on a path of eggshells, so focused on not cracking any, that I go the wrong direction. Maybe we're supposed to crack some eggshells along the way. Wouldn't it make getting through so much easier? It's going to be messy, but its cleanable.. and....they're just eggshells.

Somewhere in between

That's where I need to be...

I've realized that my whole life, I've been pretty extreme. Every time I find something new and exciting, I keep at it until i get sick of it. It doesn't matter what that something is, a sport, a hobby, a song that I play on repeat until my ears fall off, anything. I love trying new things, I think its the thrill of a new experience that keeps me going. Though I like to feel in control, I can't live a predicted life. I guess I'm so consciously anti-routine that I make sure I'm constantly learning and stepping out of the bubble every time I know i'm being sucked into one. But... i'm realizing right now, that its to the point where I can't even commit. I can drop anything any time and not feel any sense of loss. Find a new band, get their album, listen to it a million times, get sick of it, throw it in the huge collection of old cds. Start a new project, buy everything i need for it, finish it, admire it for a couple days, then realize what a space waster it is, throw it in the closet. Discover a new lifestyle, learn everything about it, befriend the people who live it, live it for myself, find out why I'm not happy, then realize I was trying too hard, ditch it, ditch them and find a new lifestyle, usually on the other extreme. I guess it's been happening for a while and I just didn't know it. It's come to the point where I'm not only hurting myself, but other people, and I know this is something I need to change, i just don't know how.

So having lived both extremes, neither good nor bad, I see that I'm neither, or both? Somewhere in between. I think I caught myself before wanting to plunge back into the other extreme.

This self-discovery thing, it's so tiring. But it's necessary, and the only way is to make mistakes. There's no guidebook. It's trial and error, and it sucks. It takes courage, it takes strength, it takes hope. It takes knowing that you're about to jump off a cliff into shards of glass, and somehow believing, knowing, that you will come out alive. Yes, you are alive, but you're badly beaten, broken, suffering, and it'll take months, years, to recover if at all. It takes resilience, and a will to move on instead of hiding in the hurt.

How I wish i could so easily bounce back after a terrible fall...

"A heart can break a thousand times before it finds, the love that makes it beat again."- Chris and Conrad

It's been almost 4 months, and I still find myself clicking through these pictures. It seems like I can stare at them forever. I close my eyes and try to imagine the kids right in front of me. It's hard, but for a moment, nothing else in the world matters. Everything is just so trivial. Everything that bugs me, every hardship I'm going through, everything that once mattered so much means absolutely nothing to me, and I'm just reminded of how small my problems are.

And it is in these moments when I'm most upset about the world, my world, and what it has become. It's so hard being surrounded by people who just don't know or don't care, and the worst, don't care to know. It saddens me to see people drowning in their own seas of not even problems, but anything, infatuations, obsessions, whatever. It's stupid. I don't get it. I do it too, and I hate it.

I know I'm here for a purpose. I know people are as lost here as anywhere else. I know there's a lot I can do here. I know. I know. I just need to vent and be anti right now. anti-people, anti-things, anti-world, anti- stupidity, anti-i don't know. maybe i'm just bitter. Maybe I just see Malawi as a place that escapes all the silliness of our culture. It's simple, and I miss that, so much. Why can't it be like that here? I hate being caught up in all this silliness, and then feel like I don't belong here.

Sometimes I contrive these plans in my head of how I can logically go back to Malawi within the next year. What if I just up and left right now, this instant? Of course it makes no sense, but why does it have to? Nothing ever really makes sense to me anyways.

So that's why I go through these pictures. Because that's all I have that's tangible at least. I look at these faces and my heart breaks again and again, and again, and at the same time, it's these very faces that keep my heart beating. It's times like these when I know I'm going back, I can't not.

"A Smile Without Lips"

Just wanted to share something from a book I'm reading, A Hole in our Gospel by President of World Vision, Richard Stearns

" In the midst of war, true evil abounds; unspeakable atrocities are committed; brutality is endemic. War is never benign. But war is more than just an impersonal term that we can brush aside at will. It has a face-- and it is human. One human face of war, whom I will never forget is that of a woman named Margaret, who was caught in the violence of Northern Uganda's war against the rebel Lord's Resistance Army. One day Margaret, six months pregnant, was working in her garden with several other women when rebels--a group of child soldiers led by an adult LRA commander--emerged from the bush. They had come to steal food and other supplies. But stealing was not enough, and they attacked the women, literally hacking Margaret's friends to death with machetes while she watched. But as they approached Margaret to do the same, the commander noticed that she was pregnant. Believing it would bring bad luck to murder a pregnant woman, he instructed his child soldiers to not kill her. Instead, he gave the order to cut off her ears, nose, and lips and leave her to die; that way, he reasoned, her subsequent death would not be on their hands. So they carried out the unthinkable and left Margaret maimed and bleeding to death.

But Margaret was found and rushed to a hospital for treatment. Remarkably, she survived and three months later gave birth to a son, James. She and James were then brought to World Vision's Children of War Center, where she received trauma counseling, support, and, later, skills training as a seamstress. Margaret, traumatized and permanently disfigured, was trying to rebuild her life and be a mother to her child. This is where I met her, perhaps a year after her ordeal.

To our American sensibilities, Margaret's story seems beyond comprehension. There is nothing in our frame of reference that allows us to understand such brutality. What happened next can only be understood through the miracle of God's love--as a demonstration of the incredible power of the gospel to redeem even the darkest kinds of evil.

One day, months after her son's birth, Margaret saw the commander who had given the order to main her, arriving at the same rehab center. He had been captured and had also been sent for counseling and rehabilitation. I cannot imagine the emotions this must have triggered in Margaret. In great distress, she frantically told one of her counselors that she had to leave immediately, that she could not be near him, and that she wanted to kill him. In response, the man was moved to a different rehab center several kilometers away. But Margaret's anxiety remained.

World Vision counselors began working with this man. At first, he denied that he had committed the atrocities. They worked, too, with Margaret, tying to lessen her anxiety and exploring the possibility of forgiveness. After weeks had passed, the man confessed to his involvement in Margaret's attack, even as she worked through her own fears and anger. Finally, a meeting was arranged. The man asked Margaret to forgive him. And Margaret, reaching deeply into the source of all forgiveness--Jesus Christ--forgave. Here again was the power of the gospel to redeem and restore, and to meet evil and turn it back. On the wall of the Children of War Center are photographsy of that day--Margaret and this man who had mutilated her.

He is holding little James in his arms as she stands next to them--smiling without lips."

And so people ask me why I believe in God, this is why.

If you know me

If you know me, you know that I'm an honest person and I genuinely care about people. I get frustrated with labels and social clumping because I believe everyone is unique in their own way. I appreciate people as individuals and would like to be viewed as one as well.

If you know me, you know that I have a heart for people and it breaks for their pain. I can't sit around knowing others are hurting; I have to do everything I possible can to alleviate it, even if it means sharing that pain with them.

If you know me, you know that small things mean the world to me. The smallest gesture, the slightest smile, truly warms my heart.

If you know me, you know I dance when I get excited.

If you know me, you know I have an odd sense of humor and can be really weird sometimes.

If you know me, you know I love to laugh and I appreciate so much the people who can laugh with me.

If you know me, you know that I love my doggies

If you know me, you know that I love adventure, doing spontaneous things in the middle of the night are what I live for.

If you know me, you know I fight for what I believe in

If you know me, you know that I'm passionate about music. Music is the only thing that makes sense to me. Music isn't just a sound, its a feeling, its an emotion, its a release, its an expression. Its my way of telling my story without words.

If you know me, you know that I'm fully in love with God.

If you know me, you know I'm still trying to get to know me.

If you don't know me, you should really get to know me.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Small things, with great love

Mother Teresa once said, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." This quote epitomizes my two months spent in Malawi this summer. I've learned so much about humbleness, about life, pain, hurt, hunger, joy, hope, but mostly, about love. I saw God in the smiling eyes of children, in the little hands I held, in the tears of their pain, in the sound of their laughter, in the passion of their song, and in their footprints on dirt paths. Sometimes I struggled with inadequacy, why did God want me here? It didn't feel as if I was doing much. But that's when I'm reminded of this quote. What we see as nothing, can be everything to these kids. What we see as small, can make a life of an impact to them. So why don't we put all the love we can possibly pour out, into these little things? Into singing, dancing, playing, hugging, and hand holding.

I remember this one little girl named Tiyajane. Now, I was surprisingly good at remembering all their little Malawian names, but for the life of me, I could never get her's down. Every time I saw her, she would call my name and come hug me or hold my hand, but I could never call her name back. I would always ask her, and she would always tell me, Tiyajane. Sometimes I even asked the other interns to ask her for her name so I wouldn't have to. But one day, while I was doing administrative sponsorship work, I came across her name, Tiyajane. I was so excited to know that she had a sponsor, but, I was even more excited that I finally got her name!

That afternoon, I went into the village, eager to say her name to her. As I walked up the dirt path, I saw her from a distance, and instead of her calling me first, for the very first time, I yelled out, TIYAJANE! When she heard her name, her face immediately lit up, her smile exposed two missing front teeth. She ran to me and hugged me. At that moment, I knew I had made her day. That's when it dawned on me how appreciative these kids are. They can find so much joy in you just remembering their name, in you just thinking about them. But, I wanted to give her so much more. That's when God called me to sponsor a child.

Looking for a sponsor child was not easy. God really put on my heart, the kids in the neighborhood I visited. However, most of them were either sponsored, or were unregistered. Coming back to the states, I checked the COTN site daily, waiting and praying for not just a familiar face, but the right face to pop up. Finally, Modesta, one of the girls in the family I visited every week showed up. I recently realized that God is using my sponsoring Modesta not only to reach out to her, but also to the 15-20 kids in her neighborhood, those exact kids I wanted to sponsor, but was unable to. Through this connection, I am able to send letters and pictures to her as well as all the other kids I have come to love so much. I'm so thankful that I can continue to pour my heart out into these kids. God knew what I needed.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Anyway by Mother Teresa

ANYWAY

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but will attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

God is here

Sometimes, I would feel the deepest pains in my heart, the type that is buried so deep in your soul, and you just can't figure it out. Sometimes this pain comes out in tears, sometimes in groans, or sometimes it doesn't come out. And it sucks, when you know you're hurting inside, but you just don't know how to express it. When I feel stuck, bottled up, the only thing I want to do is play my cello. When I play, its as if all my worries and pain are being played out. It's my release. It's as if I'm playing the strings of my heart. I'm so thankful I have music in my life.

"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" Romans 8:26

An amazing thing happened a couple weeks after I moved down to San Diego. I was feeling this inexpressible sorrow and I knew I had to get it out. I wanted to play this song that was just so mournful, that song that sounded as if the cello was weeping. But, for the life of me, I couldn't remember how it went or what it sounded like. I searched online, youtube, everything, but had no luck. So, I said a little prayer, "God, PLEASE, just help me remember, I NEED to remember". As soon as I said that, I felt him tell me to pick up my cello and play. At first, I thought it was dumb, it didn't make sense, it wasn't like I was going to remember. But then I place hand on the finger board, put my finger on the note I thought it started on, but then my hand shifted down to another note, my fingers started moving, my bow swept across the strings, and a sound came out. After a couple measures of playing, I recognized the song. It was the song I had prayed for. At that moment, I completely broke down. I just felt this overwhelming sense of awe. God's awesome love enveloped me as I sat there crying.

I was finally able to cry, to let go of all those emotions. And as I was crying, I was reminded of my last day in Malawi (Refer to Post: "Back Home"). That day when I was caught in the middle of the path. I had a choice to keep on walking, or to run back and pick up little Lenard in my arms. I remember running back. I remember crying with him. I remember the pain he felt. I felt that pain, and I wanted so badly to take it away, to pick him up when he's being teased, unloved, hurt. I wanted to protect him from the world.

This time however, it was God running to me, picking me up, feeling my pain, crying with me, loving me, protecting me from this world. Til this day, I could hear God's words "Do you not think I'm hurting as well? I'm hurting for you, I'm hurting with you. I hear your pain, I'm here, in your pain. I'm crying with you. I feel it just as much, even more. I love you. I will never hurt you. I LOVE you. I always will." And as soon as God told me, "Me too, I feel it too", it took away that heavy pain. For him to hurt with me, really took the hurt away.

So many moments have been filled with inexpressible groans, but God hears them. Cry out from the depths of your soul. Speak out in the anguish of your spirit, complain in the bitterness of your soul. Do not keep silent.(Job 7:11) God is here.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Testing, testing, one, two, three.

Every day, I browse through photos from Africa. Every day, I look at a picture of a kid I played with and have come to love. Every day, I reminisce and replay images in my mind, twirling and tickling the kids, singing and dancing with them. I even try to replay their voices in my mind. Though pictures in my mind have become a little more blurry and the voices are starting to fade, the feeling that I have towards them, that heartbreak, grows stronger.. every single day.

At first, I really just wanted to close myself in. I remembered my first week back. I stayed home, didn't answer any calls. I got anxiety whenever I had to drive, even when I thought about going to the supermarket. I got nervous when I was about to see my friends. Africa has opened my mind to so many new things, it truly transformed the way I thought. I thought that my perceptions of my friends would change as well. I was afraid that I was going to get angry at them, that I would flip out over the tiniest things. So I tried to avoid everything and everyone all together. But, I failed to see that while I was growing in Africa, my friends were growing here. And, I should be excited to see how God was moving in their lives. I realized that by isolating myself and distancing away from my community, I was damaging my spiritual life. I was being selfish. Instead of seeing the hype for my homecoming as an opportunity to reach out to others, I saw how overwhelmed I would be. By not putting myself out there, I was slowly destroying everything I had learned in Africa.

But, I'm so thankful that God provided a few people in my life, to really just pursue me. No matter how cold I was to them, they went out of their way to reel me back in. And I appreciate their patience and perseverance.

I think I have a glimpse of what God wants me to do back in the states. In Malawi, I thought I would immediately go back to San Diego, I never thought I would end up here in LA with my family. But God has really made me a light unto my family. In Africa, I remember God tugging at my heart, telling me to pray for my family, that they were going through some strife, and he was right. Coming home, I was overwhelmed with all the drama we were going through. It seemed like while I was gone, the undercurrent of tension in my family grew. At first I was angry. As if I wasn't overwhelmed enough already. But then I realized that Satan's trying to destroy all that I've learned in Africa, and what better way to do that than to start with the people I'm closest to, my family.

Then I remembered a book my friend from Africa recommended to me called the Battlefied of the Mind by Joyce Meyers. It talked about how the mind is so powerful that it can often times, trick the heart. I just remember in the bookstore, having a battle in my mind over whether or not I should get it, because there were so many other books I wanted to read. But something told me that I couldn't leave the store without this book. That was the night that I realized the root of all the strife in my family, and this book was going to help me fight it.

So the next morning, God really spoke to me through that book. And while I was reading that, my mom was listening to a sermon about the mind. She started to share that sermon with me and I was just so shocked. I knew coming back that I would have to team up with my mom to fight something, I knew she couldn't do it alone, that she was getting tired because she's been doing it all these years. So at that moment, I knew exactly what and for who I was fighting for.

A couple days later, I went down to San Diego to check out my new apartment, I was dreading to go because before coming back, I was worried about whether or not I would have a community here. Something held me back, I didn't call anyone, except one or two people. Something in my mind just told me that I wasn't part of that community, and I certainly didn't want to be thrown back into something I didn't feel apart of. I was afraid. But then, I realized that God would never discourage me, keep me from my community, make me think bad of people. I knew those thoughts weren't from Him. I was thinking so much in my unfurnished apartment, just trying to unravel these thoughts in my mind. I felt trapped in that apartment, in my mind, and I had to get out.

I went to the gliderport. It was at night for a change and instead of the sun, I saw the moonlight streaming across the ocean. And, despite the light pollution, I saw stars! (I'm only excited about that now, at that moment, I was pretty upset) I went to sit on the edge of the cliff. Just reacting to whatever emotion I felt. My mind was wrestling with my heart, I couldn't think straight. But, I let everything out, cried everything out, all my anxiety, fears, worries, pain, heartache, everything. I didn't even know why I was crying, it was just one heavy mass of anguish. But when I let it all out, I felt peace, God's peace.

I went back to my car and decided that I didn't want to go back to that apartment. I sat there, calling my friends on the phone, just wanting to talk to someone. So I sat there in the parking lot, talking on the phone with one of my best friends. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her because the whole time, I had been trying to avoid her. She's studying abroad in Hong Kong for a semester and my heart knew that she needed to find community there. That was when God convicted me to come home, back to LA. I had to see her, I had to tell her. I had to share God's love with her.

That morning, I drove home. Bought lunch, and brought her to a picnic at the park. It was so nice to just catch up with her, learn from her, and encourage her. She's the one friend that had always stuck by me. Through my highs and very lows. She's seen me where no one has seen my before, in my complete disaster. But, not once does she judge me. She doesn't draw back when I push her away. And when I come running back to her, she embraces me with open arms. She understands me so much. She is such a beautiful person inside and out, and I just pray that she sees that. She deserves so much more than she gets, she is constantly giving, putting everyone else before herself.

I realized that I never verbalized my appreciation for her. And that's the least I owe her. I love her so much and I realized that she's been fighting her own battle alone. So, this is a surprise for her, but I'm really excited about it, and she's probably busy packing so she wouldn't read this anyway. But, I wrote her a letter every week for four months. Each letter is about a specific Bible verse that I hope would encourage her. She's taking a huge step out of her comfort zone by going abroad, and that's HUGE for her. But I knew it is God who gives her strength. I hope that these letters will give her a piece of home, and a piece of my heart. I hope it will encourage her and help her not to feel alone. I hope it reminds her that I'm missing her and praying for her. Most of all, I pray that she stays in God while she's abroad.

God is convicting me to do things more than ever, and I already have a list of convictions I need to act on. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for my friends, for my family, and for me. Every day, I realize more and more of why God wants me here. Every day, His voice becomes clearer and clearer to me. I'm humbled by the fact that God wants me to be His partner. That he wants to work not only through me, but with me.

My roommate told me a story about singer, Jeremy Camp. About how he was cleaning his kitchen one day and his daughter wanted to help him. At first he didn't want her help because he knew it would take longer than it had to, but his daughter kept on insisting, so he finally agreed. She made a mess, sweeping and everything, and the whole process took four times it usually would.

But that's how God is with us. God can do everything Himself. But he wants us to help. He wants us to partner with him, even if we make a huge mess of things, even if we make the process so much longer, so much more difficult. He loves us so much that He doesn't care about those things. He just wants to be with us, and I'm so humbled by that.

I do believe that my faith has really been tested this couple weeks, and is still being tested, every single day. But I also feel like every day, my faith is growing stronger and stronger. I don't feel anxious to drive, or go to the supermarket anymore, and I'm getting less and less anxious about seeing people. I knew coming home that seeing people would be most difficult for me as my relationships with people are my weak points. Satan knew exactly where to attack, but God is giving me the strength. God is shielding and arming me. Though I'm still fighting that battle in my mind, I know God's victory is already there.

Windmill project!

This was one of the COTN projects in Malawi, I actually got to help fix it. (Well, I was mostly playing with kids on the side, but I was there for moral support!)

http://www.wesh.com/video/19942936/index.html

Doing instead of loving

I realize that I'm back from Malawi, but only physically. And I know I made this blog for me to write to you guys FROM Malawi, but in a sense, I'm still there, and I think I always will be there. So I'm just going to keep on writing, even if no one reads it (I know my mom does though :) I just need to for my own sanity.

I don't know why it hit my yesterday, but it did. We were driving from Anaheim after having lunch with my pastor and all of a sudden, I felt free. I, for the first time, felt like some chains were loosened, and I'm just waiting for the day they'll be broken. Anyways, I realized that all the things I've done in my past, and those things done to me, they don't matter. Well, they matter because they make me who I am, so I guess I mean that it doesn't matter in the sense that it's ok that they happened. I felt a light sense of joy, and all this happened while I was sitting in the car. God really does speak to you throughout the day, if you just listen, you'll hear Him.

So I'm continuing my devotions like I did in Malawi every morning. And I was reading some of the letters given to me by my friends in Malawi. We wrote letters based on the fruits of the Spirit (Galations 5:22). So I was reading chapter 5 and it was the "Freedom in Christ" section. It reminded me of feeling free, but it actually had nothing to do with freeing from your sins, it talked about circumcision, which made me wonder why I was reading it. But it was talking of freedom from doing legalistic things because those things turn what should be a lifestyle into a religion and law. So, it doesn't even become what it started out to be. It's so crazy how Satan can instantly pervert and mutilate things. God called Abraham to be circumcised to show a covenant in the flesh (Genesis 17:10-14). It was a manifestation (maybe not too public) of the sacrifices people would make for God. After all, God said to love Him with all your heart, soul, body, and mind and this was just a test for the flesh. But then, this test was twisted from a pure intention to something focusing on pain, rather than love which then turned into this legalistic thing where if you didn't do this, you can't be a child of God, ultimately putting words in God' mouth. But, who are people judge who can be God's? Everyone and everything is God's. He created the heavens and the earth.

God doesn't ask much from us. All he asks is to love Him first, and the 2nd, to love your neighbor as yourself. And reading it, I thought it was clear. But the world has put a rule before it. I remember studying this in philosophy. We were discussing morals and Kant's categorical imperative: "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law." So whether an action is morally permissible depends on whether that action could be universal law; it would be ok if everyone else does what you are doing. He goes on to saying it follows the Biblical rule "Do unto others as you would do for yourself", also known as the Golden Rule. I never actually looked up the rule in the Bible, but I found that it appears in 2 places. Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31. Anyways, I feel like this rule has been distorted. God doesn't require you to do anything for people. That's not the main focus. I'm not trying to discredit the Golden Rule, it does show up twice. But the 2nd command shows up 8 times! (Lev 19:18, Matt 19:19, Matt 22:39, Mark 12:31, Luke 10:27, Romans 13:9, Gal 5:14, James 2:8). The main focus is loving, not doing. If we do things without the root of love, it becomes this vain selflessness and obligation. But, if you first love, the doing and serving others will come naturally. It will become less obligatory and more willful. So the Golden rule, that mere name is ironic in that it is gold, an idol. It reminds me of the golden calf in that people, in their weak faith, formed their own image of God, something tangible, yet false. Similarly, people have manipulated God's rule, giving it a new intention, a new definition which raises questions and doubt. As we learned in Galatians, a little nuance, change in intention and focus can corrupt something that was once for God. So by changing the intention to doing instead of loving, the rule rules out that second command, to love. It blinds us by raising questions against it. It leaves room for arguments of subjectivity and that's when worldly philosophy comes in.

God's rule is unquestionable; there's no room for argument; it's simple. Just love. I guess you can ask, What is love? (baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.. ahah). But love is something you can't answer. Everyone has experienced it at one point. It's a feeling, not a thought, a feeling so strong and dense, a feeling that can't be wrangled and dissected by the mind. I think whether you're a Christian or not, you've experienced it. Love is something so great that cannot be withheld from anyone. Love doesn't bias because its from God. The only difference I feel, is that Christians acknowledge that this love comes from God and non-believers have yet to acknowledge it. It's amazing how everyone has a piece of God, even unknowingly. And, even if they continue to not know, God will not withhold His love from them. That joy when they love, it's from God. This feeling, so indescribable comes from God, who is too great to be put into words.

The Golden rule should not be made into an idol. And, I think its called the Golden rule for a reason. Not because its precious, but because it is precious in the worldly sense, which ultimately makes it inferior to God. Anything from God is more precious and more pure than gold (1 Peter 1:7).

So don't let the world blind you. Let's love, and not do.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Hello again

I think I'm updating so much because there's so much I want to say, and the computer is so available now. But I was on facebook and I thought I would upload some pictures, some of the ones I have at least. I knew that I would probably get some dumb comments (being completely honest here) which would upset me because I have around 500 friends most of who I don't even interact with. But that's it. I need to share these experiences, these stories with those people I don't interact with. The people who read this blog are people who already support me and I love sharing stories with you guys. But because you're already my support, it's so much easier to tell my story. I can't just play it safe and hide in this bubble to avoid questions I don't particularly feel inclined to answer. I think this is a great opportunity to reach out to those who don't know Christ. It's funny because I've learned so much about myself in Africa. But the one thing that's really sticking to me is that I'm a very open person. If I'm happy, you can see me dancing, even in the lunch line, to the music in my head. But if i'm upset, I'll say it, and if I don't say it verbally, I'll say it with my face. And if shallow comments are what I get, then I'm happy because its a start and at least their looking through the photos, maybe they'll hear the stories next. I'm completely okay peoples' superficiality leads to genuine interest which leads to God, and maybe even serving in Africa.

I wrote this note on facebook: All the animals I didn't see :)

SO, i knew coming home that I would have to answer a lot of questions, questions I don't know and may not ever know how to answer, questions I don't want to answer, questions I want to answer but won't get asked, questions that are going to annoy, hurt, and frustrate me, questions that are going to make me question: really? you're seriously asking me that?, questions that are going to make me lose hope in humanity, realize how small some people's worlds are, and how little people are wilIling to see I just didn't expect it to all happen so soon, which makes me want to close myself in and not answer anything.

But know I can't do that because I do want to share my experience with those who genuinely care and want to know. I don't want my frustration to these questions to compromise answers for the questions that will surprise me at how interested some people are, and though they have only seen little, they are willing to see more, questions that give me a sigh of relief, assuring me that there is hope, questions that will allow me to spark more questions, and questions I actually want to answer. So here are a list of answers that some people have already asked or will ask and I'd like to share it with everyone. Some might see this as a little harsh, but I've come to learn that I'm a very open person. I'm open not because I want you to see it all (why i'm sad, happy, annoyed), but because I want you to understand why I'm those things, the reason behind.

1. I didn't see any cool exotic African animals (lions, giraffes, zebras, leopards, rhinos). I did get to see crocodiles at the lagoon cruise at Lake Malawi (I even touched a baby croc!) But mostly I saw goats, donkeys, cows, chickens, dogs, a dead snake, a zebra carpet at the Joberg airport, heard hyenas, heard a hippo.

2. As you can see in my pictures, I did not come back "with black skin" nor did I get aids.

3. It was winter in Africa, which was still pretty hot, but not as hot as it would be

4. The Malawians speak Chichewa, not clicks. I've decided to use Chichewa as much as possible here in the states. So far, I've been calling my dogs and my brother "Iwe" (Hey you). I'll probably make a list of words you can learn.

5. I actually saw quite a few benz's, lexus's, and beamers, flat screens. My point is, not everyone was starving or dying or has aids. The ironic thing which upsets me is that while some people live in privilege, their neighbors can live in poverty. I can have a whole discussion about this so ask me

6. African sunrises and sunsets are amazing. But I really think that sunrises and sets are amazing no matter where you are, you just need to take the time to appreciate them

7. I didn't live in the huts in the village, though I would like to experience that some day. We lived in the COTN compounds. Not exactly America, but we had running water and electricity. Of course those would go out at times, but it didn't matter. It was very nice. The Chiwengo interns however didn't have running water so they had to pump buckets of water everyday at the borho (water pump) and ration that out.(Another discussion topic)

8. Nsima is the African staple food. It's made of ufa (flour) and made into a thick paste. You eat it with beans and some type of relish. You eat it with your hands (like Indian food!) and I come to like it alot. Our amazing cooks would prepare that for us a couple times a week. Most of the time we ate foods like oatmeal, bananas, pancakes, toast, PBJ (I think I've eaten more PBJ those 2 months in Africa than I have my whole life here in America), it was carbular, rice, chicken, sometimes we had chambo (fish from the lake), fajitas (the best!), salads, we had bbqs every Friday night

9. It's really true that all Malawians know and love to sing and dance. It doesn't matter the age. Put them in a group and you have an 8 part harmonied acapella

10. It wasn't physically hard for me to live in Africa, it was emotionally hard.

11. yea, there were lots of bugs, and lots of dirt. You're never really clean, but it doesn't really matter.

12. I don't know who had AIDS, there wasn't really a visible way to tell and it doesn't matter. I held so many hands, a lot of them I'm sure, of those who have AIDS, but a lot of them who don't. Either way, every child I to

uched has gone through and overcome something, not necessarily a disease, but an experience, a memory, a feeling. So often, we disregard emotional pain. We undermine it because we can't see it. But when someone is hurt emotionally, the same part of the brain triggers as when someone is being hurt physically. It hurts the same, and most often, even more because the feelings are usually suppressed or abandoned.

13. It's amazing how they can carry everything on their heads. (Huge heavy buckets of water, bundles of 5 ft+ fire wood). It's got to be some gene they have. AND, they carry their babies on their backs while doing so.

Anyways, I'm sure I can add to the list. I want you to know that it's completely okay to ask these questions. Don't feel stupid, I would probably ask some of these. But don't stop at these questions. Keep asking and keep finding out more, not because you feel obligated to ask, but because you genuinely want to know. And if you only want to know how many lions I saw, then fine, I can honestly say that you are shallow. But the reason behind my

unsettleness with some questions is the fact that they don't matter to me. I didn't go to Africa for those reasons. I've learned to not stress about things (not being clean, no electricity, running water, no transportation, even food) because there are people sick, hungry, cold, and hurt. So coming back, it stresses me to see people only caring about those things. And it may not even be that they only care about those things, but that its all they know and they're attempting to find a connection. If that's the case, then I appreciate you so much and don't be discouraged to ask. So be patient with me because I really do want to share my 2 months with you!!!

Love, Angela

I hope this gets the point across? And I hope it came off the right way.

Letter from Rachel!

Okay so sorry for writing so much, but I was freaking out because my flash drive that had all my pictures and all my videos I took this whole trip decided to break and not work. But, I had uploaded some of my pics on Rachel's laptop so I've been bugging her all day about it and she just wrote me back. I thought the email was funny:

I still have all your pictures on my computer. How do you want me to get them to you? How was you flight home? My first act when I got back on AMerican soil was to bye a cup of coco at Starbucks. So there I was in in Washington DC drinking a cup of Starbucks beverage looking at an American flag. In the words of Mary if I would have seen a bald eagle I probably would have cried. Ofcourse I had no one to share that thought with. It was really sad. Anyway let me know about the picture thing and get some rest.

I miss you so much Rachel!!

Back home

It's so weird being home. I feel like there's been a sudden and abrupt shift in settings. But I think I can finally recap on my last day of ministry. Last Friday was so great. I got to meet the parents of all those kids who I've come to love and it's so assuring to know that they have older siblings to look up to, brothers, especially, because of the absence of father figures. So we dropped off our gifts, gave our last goodbyes, and headed our way up to the compounds. I was actually proud of myself for holding back those tears. But when I was about halfway there. I heard Lenard, this boy who always gets picked on, just crying nonstop. I turn around and I see him sobbing face down in the dirt while all the other kids just stared. The other interns started walking away and I just stood there, not knowing what to do. I know we had already said our final goodbye, but I knew that if I walked away at that point, I could not live with myself. I couldn't leave knowing that I was fully capable of being there for him, of showing love to him, when everyone else abandoned him, if I just retraced a couple steps backwards. I felt an urge to run back and hold him in my arms and cry with him. It just broke my heart so much seeing this little boy cry. He's the one who's always in the background, being overlooked and bullied by everyone. He's not the brightest in the classroom, but he's not too scared to raise his hand. He's not the cutest of the kids, but he never ceases to smile. He's always the one helping me with bags of classroom materials too heavy for him to carry. He never asks for "one peekchah". He doesn't tease others. He doesn't ask for toys, shoes, money, anything. And at the end of everyday, he's always the one holding my hand and walking me to the end of the road, just to say a brief good bye, even though he lives on the opposite side, even when he has to walk home alone right after. Seeing him hurt was so unfair. Seeing him abandoned was just too much. I couldn't do that to him. I ran back and completely broke down, in front of him, in front of all the kids. I know we're not supposed to cry, because that's not how we want the kids to remember us. But something just told me it was okay. It's okay to cry, to share the pain with someone else if it means taking part of that pain away. We just sat there for a moment, crying.

I realized at that moment that I was going to come back to Malawi. It's too symbolic. I've given my heart to these kids, they've given their heart to me. Of course I'm going to feel pain when they are hurting. I've placed my heart in Malawi and I'm suffering each day without it. Though I'm back in the states, I feel as I did that day when I was standing there in the middle, watching him cry. But, I'm here, knowing that there are kids crying at this very moment, kids suffering, sick, starving, except this time, I can't just run back. Though I feel helpless, I trust in God's timing. I know He'll say "Go", and when He does, I'll be soaring.

So on our last day in Malawi, we decided to walk to the Obama shop one last time to get some nzimbe (sugar cane) and cokes (Obamas are these huge lumps of bread that the Malawians named after our president, I don't know, it was random, it used to be called Bin Laden in 2001) and across the road, I hear someone calling my name. And there was Lenardi, all smiles. I'm so thankful I got to see him one last time. He's taught me so much about not only turning the other cheek, but to continue to show love while doing so. He's so strong. At that moment, I knew that everything would be okay, that God's watching over him.

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Letter from Luke

I got this email from Luke probably like 30 minutes after I gave him my email. I miss you Luka

Sister,
How I loved to see you dancing all the time even when taking your lunch. Who's gonna dance for the kids and the interns now that you're leaving?? Your openness helped us (me) to get to know you easier. Keep being useful for the Lord.
Wishing u a safe journey u fly back home.
God bless you.
Luke

Tionana Malawi

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a looong while. These last couple weeks have just flown by sooo fast. It seems like just yesterday was our midway retreat. Anyways, I'm sitting here with Alinafe Kwilimbe and we were just chatting.

I don't really know what to say right now, because I'm still processing everything. But these few weeks were the hardest weeks I've been through. Everyday was just so emotionally and mentally draining. I specifically remember last wednesday when I went to Chitipi (one of COTN's orphan homes) I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any second. (Haha, I just asked Alinafe what I should write and she said this: "I don't know what to say because i'm so sad right now") It's not that I'm sad that I'm leaving Malawi, but more of because I'm leaving the people I've come to know and love, the kids, and the lifestyle.

It's so frustrating because I'm trying to grasp the words for the events that are replaying over and over again in my mind. So I'm just going to write about the most recent event which is yesterday and we'll work our way backwards.

Yesterday was the last day of ministry in Mgwayi. We've given our time, our hearts, our tears, sweat, anything and everything in that village, in those kids. It was just so hard to say goodbye because we've poured every last drop we had. But something that really touched me was during outreach. So I mentioned in my last post about those people who terrorized the villages by scaring little kids. It just so happened that they came yesterday. All of a sudden, the kids just stopped what they were doing and a wave of fear just came over the field. They were screaming and running away and I don't think I've ever seen such fear in these kids before. That was when I realized that these kids don't go without a day of feeling fear whether it be of those people, of hyenas, or of hunger and sickness. To go through that constant fear as a child is so traumatizing and to have that fear be the norm is just, unimaginable to me. They are so strong, and they don't even know it.

Anyways, as the kids were running and crying, Chifuniro (I guess you can call him my favorite little boy, even though we're not supposd to have favorites) called out to this little crying boy in front of me, took his hand, and told him to hold my hand. Then he started to wipe the tears off his face. At that moment, my heart just felt so full and so warm. He's only about 5 years old, yet he's so mature. It's amazing to witness these kids share God's love to one another. And that's when I knew that I had atleast accomplished something. I don't know. I'm still processing everything. But that's just half of what happened yesterday.

I wish I could write more, but it would take me probably a whole day or two to give you all a full update. But I just want you to know that I'm hanging in there. All the interns are heading out to the Lake on Monday. I know these few days are going to be the hardest. I just pray that God prepares our hearts for home and for everything we're about to face.

Don't, worry though, I will give you the full update and then some when I have time! Promise!

Love, Love, Love,

Angela Wu

Cabin Fever

So I dread updating my blog, because there's so much to say that I don't know what to say and where to start! Well, to start, I had my 20th Birthday here in Malawi! It was just an awesome experience. I never really celebrate my birthday back in the states because, well, it's just not a big deal to me and I don't want to be reminded that I'm growing up. It was just so nice to wake up to letters written to me from the interns and getting special treatment throughout the day. I FINALLY (after begging Keltner every week) got to go visit the widows in Mstiliza (they make all the bags and cutesy things from the widows shop which i bought as gifts for some of you!). They sang happy birthday to me and it was just so nice. And later at night, we had an intern meeting and everyone gave me a verbal birthday card. It was awkward being in the hot seat having everyone saying how they appreciate me. But I was just so touched, beyond words can describe. I think this is the most memorable birthday I'll ever have, not because I'm in Africa, not because I'm entering the roaring 20's, but because it was the first, genuine, friend-filled (missed my family though =[ ), God-centered, birthday I've ever had.

This week, Hmmmmm I'm going to be completely honest, was not the best week ever. We teach school everyday in Mgwayi and its frustrating for everyone to get past the language barrier. We have translators and whatnot, but its just not the same. The biggest struggle for me is seeing how I can help these kids learn so much more if only we spoke the same language. It's frustrating when you repeat the A B C's so much that you mess up or when you go A for apple, B for banana, C for cat, and you ask them what A's for and they go ELEPHANT! You ask them to name a letter in the alphabet and they go ONE and you're like what? Are you sure? TWO? So, yes, it's hard. But I think it makes me sad more than frustrated or angry. Some kids are 15 and they don't even know how to hold a pencil or write their name. Which is why I'm glad God has brought us here to Mgwayi.

Just last night, I was talking to one of the interns about something that honestly, just turned things upside down and broke my heart even more. I don't know if I'm able to disclose all of it here, but it has to do with things that happen in the village.
There are these people who dress up in masks and run around the village scaring kids. It's terrifying because sometimes they do more than just scare them. I've never seen one, but other interns have, and I've seen a wave of kids just crying all of a sudden because they saw one of them. It makes me angry how some people do that to little children.
Sometimes in the morning, we can hear this moaning sound coming from the village and I heard it was the husbands beating their wives. And this ritual that happens when girls turn 13 that just completely broke my heart. I don't know if any of this is 100% true, but some of it has to be. I feel like I've been seeing everyday through rose colored lenses. But, whether or not it's true, it's still hard knowing that more than half the people I've interacted with has gone through some time of emotional, physical, spiritual, trauma. That the faces I've come to know, the people I've come to love, the hands I've gotten to hold, carry so much pain and suffering, yet its all concealed by a smile or a forced laugh. I only see the happy side of things because the kids are always happy when we're there. I wonder what it's like when we're not.But, if I can take away that suffering for one moment, then I'm okay with that.

I think that this week has been especially hard for me because everyday seems more like a routine, and more and more like an obligation. Of course I know I'm going to be doing things that I would not particularly like to do. But I just feel like I'm pent up in a bubble. I don't like routine. I like spontaneity, I like adventure, I like discovering and learning new things. But I know in order to build momentum for something, we need a rhythm and finally this rhythm is going, I just need to put all my effort into it and push even harder. I know that once I get upset over something I want to do, but I don't get to do, it's just me being selfish. I'm not here for myself. I'm here for the kids, for something bigger than me, for God.

I have fallen in love with these kids (I seriously think I'm going to be like Madonna and adopt a Malawian baby). They are what drive me when I'm discouraged and down. They are what keep me going. I love them like I would love my own kids if I had kids right now (good thing I don't). Just replaying their faces in my minds really brings tears into my eyes. I've probably said this before, but I can't imagine not seeing those familiar faces ever again. I know that these last 2 weeks may be the hardest for me. But I'm willing to give my all. I know that I'm going to have to use all the self control I have not to get too emotional; I know it'll be hard. But I also know that I have God.

My mom wrote me this comment in my last blog, and I just think it's the most beautiful thing ever so I'm going to post it here again:

Dear Angela

You are filled with wonder and with praise at the beauty of God's grace.You will exalt his name and not be silent,God's love will set your music free.
May God's grace warm your heart, dry your tears.May God's spirit strengthen your soul, help you stand for all that's true.May God's peace comfort your mind,calm your fears.May God's joy let your feet dance, let your voice sing.May God's love be reflected in your life.

Happy birthday,Hsuan Hsuan!I love you.

Love,
Mom

Love, Love, Love,

Angela

Midway in Malawi

AH! is all I can say. It's been 4 weeks here in Malawi. We just had our midway retreat with our other team from Chiwengo. Last Friday, we had PIZZA for the first time! I don't think I've ever been that excited in my life, which is why I felt so horrible after because a couple steps from where we were eating pizza, kids were dying from malnutrition and starvation. Who am I to deserve this? To be born into a privelidged family and have pizza all the time, whenever I want.
So, that got me worrying about when I come back to the states. Honestly, besides seeing my family and hugging my mom, I don't want to come home. What am I going to do when I'm surrounded by luxury? I can't help but be angry. I can't help but be angry at myself, my family, and my friends for taking everything we have for granted.

We had to do midway evaluations and there was a question asking what I want to do here as a closure for this trip. Here's my answer: I don't want closure. Because closure means to have a resolution for everything. To tie the loose ends together. Everything is resolved and you can't come back to it. I don't want Africa to be a memory, I want it to be my life. Present, past, and future. I don't want to feel helpless in the states. So my prayer right now is to have Malawi alive in my heart even after I get back. That I will be able to use whatever feelings of frustration, anger, sorrow, as ways to grow; to know God better, and to trust Him better.

Today, my friend Ben asked me to sing for devotion. At first I was like what? Really? Why? Me? Are you sure? But then something in my heart said, 'you know you want to', and I did. That was when I realized. I don't sing for people back in the states. My whole life up until middle school had been all about singing. I wanted to be a singer when I grew up. But something happened in middle school that made me stop singing for people. I was surrounded by people who made me feel inadequate. That because I wasn't a designated singer (wasn't in choir), I didn't have the right to sing, that I couldn't sing. All my life, I had been surrounded with people like that. So I chose to hide it. I made singing such a personal thing that I wouldn't share it with others.

But, I feel free here, and encouraged. I feel completley myself. Not hiding nor keeping to myself the gifts the God has given me. I don't have to hide the fact that I love to sing. My prayer coming here had been for God to reveal my purpose and that my purpose would have to do with the gifts He has given me, my passions. Everyday, I pray for opportunities. For me to be able to share his love through what I love to do. So, tomorrow I'm leading worship and I just pray that people will come to love God even more through music.

I went to the launch party for the Chisomo Idea, a non-profit (chisomoidea.com) that Noel Musicha and others is starting. I got to meet some high school Flood folks which was cool. Anyways, while I was watching the video, a thought crossed my mind. What if I started something here. I can't say what exactly yet, but I feel like God is slowly revealing to me that maybe it has to do with music. Maybe my heart is here for a reason. I know this sounds bad, but maybe that's why I have absolutely no desire to go home. Maybe that's why I love the idea of living here after college. God, please show me what you want for me.

So at the end of the day, all that I can think of are the kids, running after me through the august rush fields screaming Ahnzela! Ahnzela! Even when I'm long gone, out of their sight, I can hear my name in the distance. It's amazing how easy it is for me to recognize and name almost every single child I've built a relationship with. (p.s. to Sarah from Flood, I handed out all albums you made! they were amazing and the kids absolutely adored it. And they were screaming Auntie Sarah! We translated your letter to them and it just filled my heart with joy the expressions on their faces)

Every single day, as I reflect, I fall even more in love with Malawi. Not just with the kids, but with the people I interact with every day, the national as well as global interns, the culture, the jokes, the dance parties, the uno parties, nsima, nzimbe, our broken down jeep (the hummer) which we cram 12 people into, even the long walks to town. I love it all and I can't get enough of it.

I know it may seem as if everything here is peachy. That is all simple and its all about playing with the kids. But its much more than that. Ever day is incredibly emotionally exhausting for all of us. We constantly struggle with why God has put us here. We struggle with seeing ourselves as adequate. At times, we are impatient with God's plan and timing. But, we are here and God is here and its reassuring to know that He put us here. And we may not know why yet, but we will. It may take weeks, months, maybe years, but I know we will. I just trust.

Highlights of the week:
-I went to the market where there were these really cool wood carvings and I got practice my bargaining skills. This guy was going to charge me 16,000 for a painting and I ended up getting 2 for 2,500 kwacha (which was still a little pricy) Anyways, I'm learning. But this is where my "strength" of empathy is a weakness
-Flood worship was amazing yesterday
-met the amazing race people (traveling to 11 countries in 11 months)
-reunited with our Chiwengo interns
-had a dance party in the gazebo
-then had a Malawian uno party right after (it's not Malawian unless you feel like you've been wronged)
-learning to trust God more and more
-African sunrises and sunsets
-finishing Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
-Current book: Crazy Love, by (I forgot his first name) Chan

Well, before I say goodbye, I want to say Happy Birthday to my mom. Don't worry, I won't mention your age on here. You are an amazing woman of God. I miss you and I love you, go out and have fun for once!

Love, Love, Love,

Angela